Changing

Today is Hubby's birthday.  This is the 11th birthday we have spent together.  We met in March 2001, so not quite 12 birthdays.  We are going out this weekend for a nice dinner with my sister and her husband.  We'll probably have drinks too.  It will be wonderful to celebrate *sin* children.  Carefree.

I can hardly believe there have been 11 birthdays since I met him.  I was about to turn 22, and he had just turned 23.  Now he is turning 34.  Old.  We're getting old, and we're changing.  So much has happened since 2001.  I look back, and I wonder am I even the same person?  Is he the same person?  Are we the same couple?

Of course the answer is "no."  We're not.  Everyone changes.  Everyone grows, priorities change, responsibilities are born, and I look back and I can barely recognize my 22 year old self, much less Hubby's 23 year old self.  We were so young, and we were so full of idealism.  I wanted to save the world.  I was scared shitless of graduating from college and trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.   

Sometimes change is so hard.  Usually new and better things come with change, yet I get anxious about making monumental decisions in my life.  At 22, or rather 21 1/2, I was in a destructive pattern.  I was pushing away my friends, and I drank a lot, and I did not know where I was going or how my life would turn out.  I had Hubby (before he was Hubby) there for me, supporting me through it, and yet I didn't sense his presence in my life.  How many times have you had that feeling?  Being so alone yet being with someone.  That's how I felt.  I took people for granted at that age, including my *now* husband.  I still take him for granted, most of the time.  He does so much for me, and he is an amazing father, and yet sometimes I'm so ungrateful. 

Marriage is hard, and it gets harder the longer you stick with it.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't.  Is it worth it?  I don't know.  A lot of times I just want to be alone, but I can't fathom life without the feeling of wholeness that comes from our family unit.  I have to remember that I vowed it would be, "for better or worse" and "in good times and in bad".  Isn't that what a true friend is: Someone who will support you when you're at your worst and let you lean on them?  That's what a husband and a wife are supposed to be to each other.

I look back at my 21 1/2 year old self, and there are some things that I wish I could change.  There are some things I really regret.  Everyone has those regrets, big or small.  I don't regret meeting Hubby.  He has been my rock when I needed him the most.  He has put up with all my crap through 9 moves, 3 children, several jobs, depression, anxiety, and a number of other issues we've faced TOGETHER.

It's nice to have someone you can depend on to help you weather the storm. 

I love you Hubby.  Here's hoping for 60 or 70 more birthdays.  Just put the cigarettes down and it may happen! (Ok-that wasn't very nice!)  I'm grateful that you're in my life.  I'm sorry last year was so tough, and I hope this one will be better for us.