Harmony

I was watching House of Cards with Hubby last night.  I'm on Season 1, Episode 8, so please no spoilers if you're further than me.  The writing on this show is magnificent.  Frank Underwood aka Francis, is such an ass, but he's a likeable ass.  Who knows why?  Maybe because you always know where you stand with him, and he has that incredible smile even when he's plunging the knife into your back. 

This blog isn't really a review about House of Cards though.  This blog is more about one line Frank Underwood says in that particular episode that really stuck with me, and I bet it hit home to a lot of people.  At the dedication of the library, Frank is talking about harmony and he says, "It is about individual voices coming together for a moment. And that moment lasts the length of a breath."  He's using the quote in reference to his time at the Sentinel, known in real life as the Citadel, and about how people come in and out of your life. 

Harmony.  Coming together for a specific purpose and then moving on. I think about this, because so much of my time is spent thinking about the past.  I try to be a goal oriented person.  I plan ahead, and I look to the future often.  I have pangs about the past: lost loves, lost friends, or almost a craving for the way things were when things were at their best, or maybe when I was having the most fun, or maybe when my feelings of love and life were so heightened I felt on top of the world. 

In Episode 8 of House of Cards, the look on Frank's face as his friend (possible lover) walked away from him showed that Frank struggled with the feelings of loss and difficulty of letting go.  Why is it so difficult to let go?  Each relationship or friendship lost is almost like a mini-death and takes a grieving process in order for an individual to move on.  The feelings regarding that particular person or that particular event in your life are still imprinted in your memory and recalling them can be a sweet but painful nostalgia, almost like you're reliving the loss every time you think about.

How wistful to think: it's for a moment, and then it's gone, and then you move on.  Some people work this way, repressing painful thoughts and memories, and even repressing the good thoughts and memories because sometimes recalling them reminds you of how different you feel today.  You look back on your past sometimes and think, "Oh if I could only do that again then I'd be happy."  Let's face it, living life is hard, and sometimes we all wish we could back to the easier times.

This weekend I went out with a young friend of mine who is about to graduate from high school.  She was talking about college and said, "Well I'm going to have a lot of free time."  And my heart was suddenly jealous that she gets to swing through those carefree days of making friends, about being idealistic about the future, looking for a job and soaking up knowledge like a sponge while I'm stuck washing dishes and forcing kids to do homework.  My heart wanted to go back to that moment in time, but that's all it was: a moment.  A moment that taught me a lot about myself, about my capability to learn, and about who'd I be in the future. 

I think living life is so much about being in the present moment and not being stuck in the past and not looking too much into the future.  I think for the greatest chance of happiness you must look at your past mistakes, you must think about your past loves with fondness, but then you need to move on from there.  I'm still learning how to do this.  And one of my favorite quotes of all time reminds me, "Hindsight is like foresight without a future."  Nothing comes from wishing that something that WASN'T IS, or that something that WAS still IS, except a special kind of pain.

Remember the individual voices with fondness.  Think about today, be happy about yesterday, and walk in the present.

 

Young Adult

Young Adult.  That's where it's at.  I went to see Divergent last night.  I'm in the middle of the second book, almost done, and there is something intriguing about young adult dystopian fantasies. 

I told Hubby last night, "I think I'll write a Young Adult trilogy about a war, a couple in love, and some sort of conflict.  Then I'll get it turned into a movie, and we can be millionaires." 

"Go for it!" he said. 

And I will.  I need to.  I've been blogging again, which is good.  I haven't really been writing.  I've been trying to set exercise goals and get myself back in shape.  I've been trying to spend more time with my children--giving them the best part of me.  Those are all important, but so is achieving your goals. And I need to stick to my writing goals and not get away from them.  There was one part of last year where I was writing about 5,000 words every day, and writing only gets easier and better if you do it often. 

I've had my head stuck in a book this year, but not in writing a book. 

I'd love to work on a great trilogy, go through about a thousand rejection letters and then get it published.  I'd still like to e-publish my work, but honestly I'm not sure I have the time to market it the way an e-published book needs to be marketed.  I simply am not connected enough, and I don't know enough people to have them review the book and send on to other people they know.  E-publishing is tough, because so many books are published every day, and only the books that are actively marketed earn money. 

To me writing isn't about earning money, but how great would it be to be able to make a living at doing something you love?  That's my overall goal, even if it takes me better than 20 years to do.

Plus, I'd love to have this guy play the male lead in my movie, and maybe as an author's bonus I could rub my hands all over his chest:

Discipline

Today is going to be a busy Saturday, though much less busy and much more relaxing than a Saturday during meet season.  I love Son Number One's gymnastics meet season, but it wears me out with the travel and the constant running around.  It is always a relief when it is over. 

I did not meet my weekly challenge to run for the rest of the week.  We had a bit of a monsoon, and I didn't really feel like running in a thunderstorm.  Lightning is not my friend.  I hate treadmill running.  For some reason, I completely suck at it.  I can't get going on the treadmill. I feel better when I have the outside world to run in.  It helps me free my mind.  So, today the rain is supposed to dissipate, and I'm planning on fitting in a 2-3 mile run.  I need the routine to enforce the discipline of running, to increase my endurance, and to feel comfortable running a 5K in approximately one month. 

Speaking of 5Ks: I'm running with my office, and I'm trying to fund raise.  You can click here to donate, if you'd like.  It's for the Walk of Life: funding for mammograms for people who can't afford it and for early detection of breast cancer. 

Back to discipline.  Discipline is such an important part of life.   Taekwondo taught me discipline, and it's one reason I miss going there. I also miss the social outlet.  I made some great friends there.  But the discipline is incredible: literally training your body to do what you tell it to do, and having to go a certain amount of times a week and being accountable.  These are all things I'm trying to do on my own now, and it's about ten times harder without people to encourage you.  But I'm doing it.  I'm putting myself out there, and I'm exercising.  I'm making myself have discipline, which is not something that comes naturally to me.  I'm a rule breaker, and I've always been willy nilly and done what I've wanted to do.  I've never cared too much for things that require self control and discipline, but it is a skill and it improves with a little work and requires stepping out of my comfort zone. 

Another member of our family will be working on discipline today too:

That's right: Skippy is starting discipline school.  It's much needed too.  He's a spoiled rotten dog.  He loves to jump up and give kisses.  That's the Jack Russell in him.  He can be so sweet and such a lap dog, but he's developed some bad habits, so we're going to make sure he gets the proper training to be disciplined and do what he's supposed to!  I never thought I could love a dog as much as I love this little guy though.  Just seeing him in the morning makes me smile.

Discipline: the theme of the week in the Greene household. 

Living in a Material World

Last night, I took Darling Daughter to see Disney Live at MPAC.  They were having a Sofia the First and a Jake and the Neverland Pirates show.  Darling Daughter loves Sofia the First.  I indulge that love.  I know a lot of moms are anti-princess these days, but I guess I look at princesses different.  I look at them as make-believe.  I look at them as embracing yourself and your inner beauty.  I really do think, with Sofia the First, Disney is trying to "makeover" the princesses from girls who need a knight in shining armor to someone who can be helpful, sweet, and beautiful: inside and out.  Plus, I'm all for imagination and if my kid wants to pretend to be a princess then so be it. 

Darling Daughter and I had a great time, but when we walked into the show we were assaulted by the plethora of materialistic objects for sale: dolls, purses, and spinning lighty thing-a-mabobs to name a few. 

I told Darling Daughter we would get some popcorn, so I asked the guy how much the popcorn cost and he says back to me, "Twelve dollars, but it comes with a princess crown!" TWELVE DOLLARS for popcorn!  That princess crown better be pure gold, but I can tell from where I'm standing that it's made of cheap Styrofoam.  No thank you.  Ridiculous, price gouging around parents who can't or won't say no to their kids or just want to avoid a temper tantrum and get to their seats and see a show!

I told Darling Daughter, "Sorry, no popcorn."  She commenced to whine about it for about half of the show, but I told her during her break she could pick one toy.  She picked the $18 Sofia purse, and I was okay with that because at least she can play with it at home: it's not something she's going to eat.  Still--I felt like a little bit of a sucker, like the materialistic world had won out against my own sense of judgment. But I justified it: I was having a date with my daughter, and I wanted her to have a good time and get her way, and I didn't go overboard like some of the parents: buying toys and popcorn and lighty thing-a-mabobs, possibly spending up to or over $100 on pure junk!

As we were driving home, Darling Daughter said she loves princesses.  She said she didn't know the princesses were actually real.  She drifted off to sleep.  I listened to the music on the radio, and I thought to myself: when did childhood become so much about things?  Every event, everything you go to you have to buy something else..  We live in a material world, and when you're constantly being assaulted to buy things, sometimes it's hard to say no and it sometimes makes it hard to treasure the moments that should have more meaning than the things. 

I want my daughter to enjoy the little moments.  When we were watching Sofia the First, I was enraptured by the ballet and the true skill of the dancers.  Cinderella came out to help Sofia decide what gift she should buy her friends.  At that moment, Darling Daughter's eyes lit up, and the smile on her face was so real, as one of the characters she reads about in story books came to life.  That was the moment I took home with me, the moment I'll hold onto when she's sixteen and isn't my best friend anymore.  That moment is better than anything that can be bought in the store, and I know it will last forever unlike the $12 popcorn. 

Update: Since It's Been an Eternity

I did 2 miles today.  On my way to meet my challenge for the week.  One of my biggest complaints is I'm so slow.  I complained to my sister yesterday about that, via text, and she said don't worry about the speed, worry about the mileage.  Speed will come if you run more.

She's right.  Today I did an 11.23 minute mile and then a 10.21 minute mile.  The whole time I was complaining to myself.  Does anyone else do this while they exercise?  I swear, everyone in the world tells me I'm too positive, but when I exercise I am negative to myself!  I tell myself, "This is stupid. Why am I running?  I hate running!  I hate exercise."  Maybe it's getting past that negativity that gives you the runner's high?  Who knows!

I felt good when I finished today, and I know I'm going to put myself out there tomorrow...and.every.other.day.this.week!

In other news, Darling Daughter and I are going to see Disney Live on Thursday night.  I can't wait to have a date with this little cutie:

Not the big guy on the right.  That's her Uncle who recently came to visit.  Darling Daughter is so funny lately.  She tells me about a hundred times a day, "Mommy, I love you.  Mommy, you're my best friend!"  Melt my heart!  She still has short hair, and when anyone comments on it she says, "Don't worry--it'll grow!"  I guess she's heard me say that about a million times.  She is still in love with flip flops.  They are her favorite.  I bought her new ones last week, and we were walking out at Eastchase, and every person she would see, she would say, "Don't you love my flip flops?"  There's not a shy bone in her!

Number Two is doing fairly well too.  He is loving soccer this season.  He was just in an off Broadway production of Bugz, where he played the star roll of Firefly.  He had four lines, which he recited dutifully, but without a smile.  He looked like he might throw up from nerves for most of the play!  He continues to listen and be the most help out of all the kids.  He's always willing to help out, and he is usually our most laid back child, but boy, can he throw some fits!  He has a loud streak in him, and he will scream and shout, sometimes when he's just trying to talk to you.

 

 



And last, but not least, is my biggest one of all: Number One.  Number One will celebrate his double digit birthday this year: how time flies!  He came in 3rd all around at the Alabama Men's State Gymnastic Meet. His team came in first.  He continues to excel at school.  He is a daredevil, and he's always getting hurt.  He recently ran into a parked car on his bike, and he had a black eye for about two weeks.  He can be so sweet to his sister, Darling Daughter, and he can be so sweet to us but he also suffers from the Mommy Temper (same temper I used to have!).  Overall, he's doing so well and I'm so proud of him.  He shows me every day how disciplined and motivated he is, and he is an inspiration to me. 

Runner's Block

I wonder if it's possible to have runner's block.  I mean, I've heard of writer's block, and by the looks of it--I have that too. 

Every time, lately, I go for a run and my mind blocks me from getting it accomplished.  I think thoughts along the line of this, "What if my leg starts hurting again?" or "What if I can't breath."  Oh the challenges of post-injury running and asthma! 

This morning, I had no good excuse.  It was a brisk 47 degrees, and my breaths were synchronized from the start, and yet I kept stopping.  My mind was screaming, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STOPPING, yet I kept doing it.  I'm training of a 5K, but at this rate I'll be walking it.  I guess that's okay.  Some days I think I'm jut not cut out to be a runner.

Yesterday I received some advice in an unlikely place, Chappy's Deli.  I'd taken the boys there for lunch while Rob visited the dentist for the first time in ten, er four years.  While the boys ate hamburgers and I dug into a very healthy buffalo chicken wrap, ranch dressing and all, our waiter sort of neglected us, until he didn't. 

He came over and yawned then apologized by saying, "I'm sorry I ran 10 miles this morning before work."

"I'm a wannabe runner," I said. 

"Yeah?  Well I was in the military, and then I packed on the pounds. I've lost 60 since I started running again in October.  I know you wouldn't believe that.  I'd packed on the muscle and bulked up and it all turned to fat after I stopped exercising. I'm running the Joy to Life Run in April."

"I'm trying to do that run too.  I did it last year, and then I was injured and I've had a hard time recovering."

"When I run I pretend I'm somewhere else.  Like fantasy--I'll pretend I'm watching my favorite show, or traveling, or I'll just delve into my music and before I know it--the run is over, before it feels like it began.  Also--the best way to get better at running short distances is to run long distances."

So--I'm going to take his advice.  I'm going to go to fantasy land in my head, aka take my head out of it.  He went on to tell me I'm defeating myself.  He said running is so much about body over mind, that I have to get my mind out of it.  That's hard for someone who has a thinking problem like me, but I just need to do it. 

I'm challenging myself to run every day this week, even if I only run a mile at a time--something is better than nothing.  And I'm not starting the long distances yet.  First I have to get to the 3.1 miles without stopping myself--then I can talk ten.