Number Two Turns Six!

Number Two's 6th birthday is tomorrow.  I sometimes wonder how six years went so fast.  I like to commemorate my children on this blog when their birthdays roll around each year.  Number Two is so sweet and funny.  He's generous, helpful and super imaginative.  He's my easiest, most laid back child, who has a booming loud voice when he wants to.  I often have to say, "A little bit quieter!" 

Yesterday, I was able to go on Number Two's Easter Egg hunt with school.  The children were told they could find 12 eggs.  They knew there were enough eggs for 12 each.  All the kids went in one direction, and Number Two went in the other direction.  He found almost all the eggs on top of the shrubs and on the bottom and mixed in, and pretty soon his basket was filled with about 30 eggs! 

 

 

Most of the kids found 12 eggs, but one of the teachers was doing a basket for a child who was out sick.  She said she only had 9.  Number Two promptly counted out three of his eggs, without even asking to give to the sick child.  He then walked around and looked in other children's baskets, and if they had a lot less than him he gave them out.  What a sweet, generous boy I have. 

 

 

Before Number Two was born, I was convinced he was going to have brown hair and brown eyes like me.  But, when he was born he had a sheen a fine blonde hair. The nurses used to sneak into my room just to rub his head.  He had chubby cheeks, and he looked like a little baby elf.  He was so quiet.  From day one, he slept well.  Out of all my children, he's the only one who has ALWAYS slept in his own bed.  He needs his rest, and he makes sure he receives it. 

 

 

 

Being a parent is the most amazing thing.  Sure, some days are hard with whiny kids, talking back, not going to sleep, but it's truly amazing to bring a baby into the world and watch as they turn into a fully functioning kid.  It's awesome to see how their personality develops.  To watch them develop strengths like Number Two has: kindness, imagination, mathematically-inclined, friendly, sweet, and grateful.

 

 

 

When Number Two was born, and the nurse placed him on my belly I cried.  I looked into his sweet face, and I saw all the possibilities of what he would become as he grew from a baby, to a toddler, to a boy and then to a man. 

 

 

 

 

I love you, my sweet white-headed boy, and I couldn't imagine my life without you!

 



Harmony

I was watching House of Cards with Hubby last night.  I'm on Season 1, Episode 8, so please no spoilers if you're further than me.  The writing on this show is magnificent.  Frank Underwood aka Francis, is such an ass, but he's a likeable ass.  Who knows why?  Maybe because you always know where you stand with him, and he has that incredible smile even when he's plunging the knife into your back. 

This blog isn't really a review about House of Cards though.  This blog is more about one line Frank Underwood says in that particular episode that really stuck with me, and I bet it hit home to a lot of people.  At the dedication of the library, Frank is talking about harmony and he says, "It is about individual voices coming together for a moment. And that moment lasts the length of a breath."  He's using the quote in reference to his time at the Sentinel, known in real life as the Citadel, and about how people come in and out of your life. 

Harmony.  Coming together for a specific purpose and then moving on. I think about this, because so much of my time is spent thinking about the past.  I try to be a goal oriented person.  I plan ahead, and I look to the future often.  I have pangs about the past: lost loves, lost friends, or almost a craving for the way things were when things were at their best, or maybe when I was having the most fun, or maybe when my feelings of love and life were so heightened I felt on top of the world. 

In Episode 8 of House of Cards, the look on Frank's face as his friend (possible lover) walked away from him showed that Frank struggled with the feelings of loss and difficulty of letting go.  Why is it so difficult to let go?  Each relationship or friendship lost is almost like a mini-death and takes a grieving process in order for an individual to move on.  The feelings regarding that particular person or that particular event in your life are still imprinted in your memory and recalling them can be a sweet but painful nostalgia, almost like you're reliving the loss every time you think about.

How wistful to think: it's for a moment, and then it's gone, and then you move on.  Some people work this way, repressing painful thoughts and memories, and even repressing the good thoughts and memories because sometimes recalling them reminds you of how different you feel today.  You look back on your past sometimes and think, "Oh if I could only do that again then I'd be happy."  Let's face it, living life is hard, and sometimes we all wish we could back to the easier times.

This weekend I went out with a young friend of mine who is about to graduate from high school.  She was talking about college and said, "Well I'm going to have a lot of free time."  And my heart was suddenly jealous that she gets to swing through those carefree days of making friends, about being idealistic about the future, looking for a job and soaking up knowledge like a sponge while I'm stuck washing dishes and forcing kids to do homework.  My heart wanted to go back to that moment in time, but that's all it was: a moment.  A moment that taught me a lot about myself, about my capability to learn, and about who'd I be in the future. 

I think living life is so much about being in the present moment and not being stuck in the past and not looking too much into the future.  I think for the greatest chance of happiness you must look at your past mistakes, you must think about your past loves with fondness, but then you need to move on from there.  I'm still learning how to do this.  And one of my favorite quotes of all time reminds me, "Hindsight is like foresight without a future."  Nothing comes from wishing that something that WASN'T IS, or that something that WAS still IS, except a special kind of pain.

Remember the individual voices with fondness.  Think about today, be happy about yesterday, and walk in the present.

 

This to Shall Pass

I am having a staycation this week, but more it is like a reminder of why I'm not cut out to be a stay-at-home Mom.  Seriously, I have these moments when I wonder why I gave birth to three kids? 

Overall today has been good, but my nine year old likes to argue and back talk, and I know he's trying to assert his independence, but I'd like to assert mine over him a little bit!  Number Two has been especially clingy and Darling Daughter didn't take a long enough nap.  They all keep arguing with me over the most trivial things, and it makes me want to scream!

The boys had their six month allergy checkup, and they were OFF the wall. 

The doctor laughed, and he's a good natured fellow, but I was not amused.  Number One and Number Two kept messing with $500 instruments, and I kept imagining them falling and breaking and my insurance being charged for it or worse yet the doctor asking for it out of pocket. 

As we were leaving, the nurse up front called to the back to see whether she could schedule Number One and Number Two together again, and the person on the other line said no. 

As they were trying to grab five lollipops, I wondered where I went wrong in raising them.  I mean for god's sake, can't they act right for fifteen minutes at the doctor?  It's not like we even had a long wait.  We waited for about a minute before they took us back and the antics began. 

I know they're not little adults, but sometimes I just wish they could BEHAVE when we go to the doctor. I wish they could mind their manners, sit there and answer his questions, get one lollipop and go on their merry way.  I know you're not supposed to compare, but sometimes I look at other people's mild manner children and I wonder how in the world they do it.  Why aren't their kids off the wall?  Why aren't they running all over the place?  What are those parents doing differently than me?  Are they beating the crap out of their kids?  Is it fear that keeps their kids aligned or do they have mutual respect?

I put the kids in the car, and I looked at them and I said, "I am so disappointed in how you acted.  That was embarrassing!  If you do that again I will take away your Kindle for a week and your Ninjagos!" 

I was so mad at their behavior.  And then I thought about it more, and I know they were stuck in the house most of today, because it has been cold.  I know they have not been in school for two weeks, so their routine is non-existent.  And I know beyond that, that I'm a good mom, but sometimes kids will be kids.  I'm so hard on myself, and when they act up I blame myself and I wonder where I went wrong, and I wonder if they're going to be juvenile delinquents or something.

The thing is, being a parent is so hard.  You're always throwing guilt at yourself.  You're always worrying about everyone else's expectations of your kids' behavior, because after all everyone in your life has an opinion on what YOU could be doing better.  When you don't have a kid who fits in a box, then it's even harder.  People don't understand the quirky behaviors, and it's hard to explain when not even Hubby and I know why he's different.   I know my kids are loved, clothed, well taken care of, and I also know that Hubby and I struggle every day to find the right way to discipline them.  Some days are so full of joy and happiness and other days are just so tough--like today.  It's all worth it to see their sleepy heads in the morning.  To watch your child take his/her first steps.  To see your child make straight A's and come in 1st in gymnastics.  To see them learn how to read, how to make friends, and to be there for them when they fall down. To feel their sticky hands on your face and the sweet, "I love yous," and to have them confide in you when their hearts seem to be breaking--that makes it worth it.   Even the days like today, when I can't wait for Hubby to come home so I can escape will be worth it, and they will pass and I'll wonder where the time went and how they grew up so quickly. 

So for tonight--I'll just take a deep breath and tell myself they're only kids.  They'll only be little for a few years longer, and I just have to accept that they will misbehave sometimes, and they will not at others.  I have to accept them for who they are and love them for it and move along without beating myself up so much.  And just realize that this to will pass...

Drive and Determination

Yesterday was a wash.  I was so busy.  Hubby and I were running around everywhere with the three kids.  Number Two had his first soccer game, which was rained out, but then the other team showed up late, and they agreed to play.  Here he is as goalie:

There are a couple of kids on his team who really know how to play, which is surprising because they are five and six years old.  He has this little girl on his team who shows the same sort of determination that Number One shows in gymnastics.  Oh to be that young and have drive--amazing!

And speaking of drive, I've had this incredible drive to write lately.  If I could, I'd lock myself in a room and write and write and write.  It's funny how it hits you. I've never had writer's block, but I go through periods where I don't write.  Right now I'm the opposite: I can't imagine not writing.  I almost feel like I'm in another world when I write.  Music playing loudly, and I can just type and type, watching my characters take shape and seeing where they take me.  Because after all, where the story goes is their decision and not mine: or so it seems. 

Today, I'm going to write 5,000 words or so.  That's my goal.  I also want to go for a run tonight, if my stomach starts feeling better (too much rich food at Bonefish with a friend last night).  I need to be able to have the same determination I feel when I'm writing in all aspects of my life, but let's face it humans just don't operate that way. 

I look at my kids, and I see they do best at the one thing they LOVE the most.  Isn't this the way of the world?  Life is too short not to do the things you love. 

Determination and goal setting always takes you where you want to go. 

 

Check out my author page on Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elliegreenewrites

 

 

 

Thoughts on Writing

The writing bug has hit me full force again.  It's taking over my life.  Writing, for me, ebbs and flows: just like a marriage. You can have a great idea, then delve into it, and begin to wonder why you thought it was such a great idea after all.  Then, you can go months and months without having an idea at all, and you wake up one morning chock full of ideas. 

For me, waking up with lots of ideas means I end up working on several ideas simultaneously.  Right now, I'm writing somewhat of an heartbreaking story, simultaneously with the two stories I started right after I finished my novel draft.  I was thinking last night, after having a busy day and not writing at all, that I'd left my main character in such a bad place.  I almost felt sorry for a fictional character.  I'm hoping that me feeling that way means my character will feel real, three dimensional, and alive to other people.  They will read about him and feel sorry for him, for where he is and for what he's been through.  He is a nine year old boy and life is not so easy for him at this point.  But as in all novels, there will be a climax and then there will be a point where things get better for him.  Unfortunately leaving him drifting in and out of consciousness for a whole day, made me feel somewhat guilty, but that guilt gives me the drive to write again today.  That guilt allows me to put 2,000 or 3,000 words on the screen each day, to try to give the character a little peace, to move him away from the bad times, and into the light.

This is how a parent feels for a child, something wonderful she and another person created, from themselves.  Even though my kids would love to give credit to GOD for their arrival, the truth is they were once a seed inside of me and grew for nine months, for me to push them out into this great, beautiful but scary world and help mold them into productive human beings.  Writing is much the same way.  It's a labor of love.  It's a need for me.  I need to go back today, and move William out of the bad place. I need for him to see that there's hope on the other side, and he needs for me to finish the story so he can exist as more than just a blurb on a page; so he can exist in other peoples' minds, and they can hear his story.  They can possibly relate to his situation, and see parts of themselves in the story: good and bad.  Writing ties people together with a somewhat common consciousness, a desire to be known and heard and understood.  A good writer can do that, illicit ideas and thoughts that stick in your mind for a lifetime and make you never forget.  That's what I'm striving to be. 

Equality for All!

 

Way back in January 2012, I wrote this blog post about the Lovings. You'd have to be living in a box to not know what's going on in the Supreme Court this week. 

But if you are living in a box, here's a brief snippet from Yahoo News:

The court's first major examination of gay rights in 10 years begins Tuesday with a hearing on California's ban on same-sex marriage. On Wednesday, the justices will consider the federal law that prevents legally married gay couples from receiving a range of benefits afforded straight married Americans.

I believe in equality for all.  I believe in the right to pursue happiness.  I think by not allowing gay marriage, the United States is supporting a religiously-backed, flawed logic. 

In the 1960's in the South, there was a Civil Rights movement.  The black people who lived here didn't have equal rights, despite the fact that they were considered "free" men since the Emancipation Proclamation.  The Blacks fought for their rights to attend the same schools as the whites, to have the same rights, and to be able to drink from the same fountain.

I liken Gay Rights to the Civil Rights movement.  These are people who just want to live their life.  They want the same basic human rights that everyone else has, despite their sexual orientation!  They want to marry the people they love.  They want to have the same rights as heterosexual people, and why shouldn't they?  Because they love someone of the same sex?  Let me ask you, how does that in anyway hurt you?  It doesn't!!!  Gay marriage is about personal choice, but honestly most people I know who are gay say they are born that way and always knew they were different.

Most gay people I know are wonderful.  They're not pedophiles.  They're not out to change your Christian values.  They just want to live their life in the same way you and I do.  They want to make their OWN decisions about their future, and not be held back by a government who is currently denying them their basic rights to happiness. 

Stepping off my soapbox now. 

Writing: The Next Step

So I finished my novel.  I sent it out to a few close people in my life.  I received feedback from some, mostly good, but as my Dad says that could be because they're close to me.  I've received two sets of revisions (thanks Aubrey and Mike!).  I'm waiting on more.  I did read through Aubrey and Mike's revisions, and I've thought of a few changes I could make to the novel before sending it off.  I'm in the waiting period between completion and revision though.  I'm letting it sit and ferment, like a fine wine. 

Sending it off: Scary!  This is the process I know absolutely nothing about.  I need to attend some writer's conferences or something.  I need to figure out where to go from here.  I need to find a dart set to hang my rejection letters on.  Yes, I need to revise the book once or twice before that point, but research is always a good place to start.

I began last week by joining Writer's Market.  Stephen King recommended this site to me, and when Stephen King talks you listen (Okay, yeah, you're right it was not a personal recommendation!).  And one of the best authors of our time was discovered through Writer's Market: Stephanie Meyers the author of the Twilight Series.  See, I probably do have a chance. 

With Writer's Market comes all these email advertisements for Writer's Digest, and because of my crazy busy schedule I  haven't had the time to actually peruse Writer's Market.  I've just had the time to become annoyed with the junk mail filling my inbox.  I need to take the next step and start researching agents. 

The thing is: I love to write.  I would love to become published and make millions of dollars becoming the next Louisa May Alcott or Joyce Carol Oates or Jodi Piccoult, but let's face it, that's not the reason I do it.  I do it for myself, to release thoughts that have nowhere to go, to scribble down on paper the ideas that fill my head, to give a home to the characters who live inside of me.  I have a deep seated desire to write.  Sure, it would be nice to become the next best thing, but that's not why I do it.  I do it because I love it, and you should always try to do what you love to to do. 

It would be completely amazing to become a total sensation and to be able to live off doing something that I love to do.  Something I consider a hobby.  Something I consider totally cathartic.  Something I consider as part of myself.  Amazing, but probably not so realistic.

We'll just have to see where to go from here. I'm going to keep on writing.

Loving/Hating

Today while wasting a few minutes at work, I read an article about the Lovings. The Lovings were an interracial couple who married in 1960's Virginia, despite a law against miscegenation.  They were evicted from their home and told they could go to prison or leave town.  They left town, going to Washington D.C., and from there they began fighting for their love and the right to live as they wanted, together.
I read this article, and I looked at the photos of this amazing family.  This family blazed the trail for thousands of interracial couples.  They, along with other Civil Rights fighters, changed the world for a better place.  They lead the way towards acceptance, not blind HATE.

People are really scared of what they don't know.  People have preconceived notions of others.  This leads to hate, misunderstanding, racism, prejudices, and nonsense laws to protect who?  I look at the Lovings story, and I think how far the US has come since then.  I live in the South, and I see plenty of interracial couples.  No one drinks at a colored fountain anymore.  We all go to school together, but still I see racism.  I see HATE.  It comes from both sides, black and white.  HATE comes in so many forms, and to me I see it most when people just don't understand differences. The Lovings supported marriage of any kind, because they were in LOVE.

I support marriage for anyone who is in love.  Why not?  It is their choice.  It does not affect me.  They are in LOVE with each other.  It's funny to me, because the proponents AGAINST gay marriage also claim they are for smaller government, but banning gay marriage IS BIG GOVERNMENT.  It's government getting involved in one of the most important decisions of your life: Who you will spend the rest of your life with.  It's also government banning these people from receiving the same tax benefits as heterosexual married couples.  If two gay people are in love and they get married, then why is it the government's business?  They are expressing their love, living together as a family, and they deserve to have this right just like anyone else. 

I realize that a lot of people have problems with gay marriage because of religion.  I believe in God.  I believe in a God who is loving, caring, and supporting of all people.  I don't believe in a God who would send you to Hell for being gay, for loving someone of the same sex, something to me that you most likely are innately born with: sexuality.  Like the Lovings said, you can't control who you fall in LOVE with.  Why HATE someone for that?

On Being a Working Parent

Being a working parent is like being drawn and quartered by horses.  Ok, that’s a bad analogy, but seriously it is like being pulled in multiple directions at once!  Here’s a diagram for y’all:

Really, there should be more than four though, because this doesn’t even begin to describe the chaos that is my everyday life.  Plus, they should be interconnected, like a Venn diagram.  My experience with the Paint application is limited.

I tried to focus on the positive, instead of the negative.  Descriptive words such as “joy” and “love” are in the same box as the kids, instead of words like “guilt” and “frustration”.  The truth is all of the aforementioned emotions come with being a parent, and are normal to feel.

I remember the overwhelming J-O-Y I felt when each of my children was handed to me after being born.  I remember crying upon seeing their little faces and immediately feeling unconditional
L-O-V-E for them.  I also remember feeling so G-U-I-L-T-Y when I had to return to work, with each one of them; somehow scared that the hours apart from me would scar them for the rest of their lives.

But being a working parent is fulfilling to me.  Oh, I certainly have days where I hem and haw, and I don’t want to go to work, and I would die to be a stay at home mom.  But, I also have days where I go to work, and I enjoy my co-workers and generally enjoy my job.  I have established
R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P-S through work that I would not have otherwise.  I know my kids are being well taken care of and they are learning how to interact with their peers while I’m away.  I also find infinite pleasure in their little faces when I pick them up from school every day, so excited to see their Mommy!

I never knew how hectic life could be, trying to fit everything in.  Sometimes it’s enough to drive you crazy!  Some people find solace in schedules, but I honestly find them entirely useless.  I’ve probably spent the better half of seven years, printing and ignoring schedules.  I don’t like to be put in a box.  I don’t like the routine.  I think working, despite chaos of life, has helped me establish a sense of my S-E-L-F, and to realize what I still need to work on. 

Being a working parent is about weaving all of these boxes together, and coming up with a way to handle the time constraints without losing your sanity.  I’ve had to learn to focus on the positive in my life: the love for my children, the kinship with my friends, and the faithfulness of my husband.  Doing this makes me feel like all of different aspects of “the boxes” are worth it.

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