Depression Hurts

I've been writing a lot, but I haven't been writing a lot on this blog. I've been concentrated my writing on my writing blog, and as a consequence I feel like my baby blogger has been neglected. I've been updating this blog for over three years now.

I came to blogger in a dark time, that I didn't realize was dark. I had people telling me they thought I was depressed. I had people telling me they would be depressed too if they had lost all of their hair. I didn't believe them even as the swirling vortex of depression was sweeping me away.

Looking back on that time, years ago. I realize I came back into writing for cathartic purposes. At first, I didn't have a goal. I had a lot of boredom. I spent much of my time reading, escaping into a book, and pushing family away. I made some great friends, and that was what I needed at that time-- outside influences.  It's funny how we can't see what is happening to us until we take a step back. For me that step back was three years later: NOW. I look back at that time of my life, and I see someone who was suffering and didn't know where to turn. I was having trouble in my marriage, my hair fell out, my kids were all little bitty and depended on me for so much, my oldest son was having emotional problems of his own, and for me the easiest thing to do was escape.

I did escape in a productive way. I started taking Tae Kwon Do. I made friends through Tae Kwon Do, who told me I was beautiful even if I was bald. Some of those friends even encouraged my writing, and I have them to thank for how far I've come since then. I learned discipline, and I realized how much exercise helped me to relax and to find a direction for the hopeless boredom I felt on the inside. Because for me that's what depression does. It makes me feel bored and unsettled. It makes me flit from one thing to another like a toddler. When I'm depressed, satisfaction is elusive, like that vague term happiness.  

Finding direction is hard, and now I see my son suffering the same symptoms, although he suffers in a different way than me. He has this crazy energy, and he has this need to direct it. Unfortunately when you have so much energy, so much drive, and a mind that won't stop turning, the dark cloud sometimes threatens to rain on you. You sometimes feel like nothing works for you and nothing will fill up that empty place inside.

I have felt like that so much. I still feel like that some days. So my heart aches so much for my son, when I see that he has so many of these same symptoms. My heart aches for him when he struggles with his frustration and anger. I hope he finds his purpose, and I hope his friends understand his struggles--at least a little bit. And until then, Hubby and I are going to help him through.

People who are mentally ill, don't always know when they are spiraling downward until they have landed at the bottom or even until they are climbing out.  Our mental health system in the U.S. is broken. Just ask me. I have to shell out tons of money every year, because my insurance (a reputable agency) will only support ONE psychiatrist (and they just went out of business) in my city of 250k people. ONE. So for people who are suffering or who have children suffering, like me, they often have to dole out dollars they can't afford to part with, but must for their own good or for the sake of their children.

We need to break this stigma. We need to get people the help they need. And more than that, we don't need to be afraid to talk about. Because when we're afraid to talk about it the people who are suffering or who have loved ones who are suffering feel more isolated and more alone.  People need to realize there is no normal.  We are all flawed and broken creatures, but there is help out there.

 I've found my purpose, and having goals and pushing myself every day to achieve has given me more of a sense of who I am and it helps to keep the restless boredom from claiming my life.

You can read more about mental illness here and the different types of disorders that affect 1 in 4 Americans :  http://www.thekimfoundation.org/html/about_mental_ill/statistics.html.

Through the Fog

I went running in the fog this morning.  A silken curtain of white dropped down from the sky.  When I was moving, my feet hitting the pavement, my breath coming in jagged little lines I hardly knew what was in front of me.  The fog was thick, and as I looked ahead it seemed like a solid mass that I wouldn't be able to penetrate.  And yet, I stepped right through and kept running until I couldn't run anymore.

When I was making my cool down walk home, I looked up and my heart starting pounding.  The mist had descended, heavy and low, and it looked like two plumes of smoke were rising directly above my house.  I thought about my family still tucked tightly in their beds, and I was scared they were stuck in a fiery house.  Until the illusion lifted, and I realized it was just the two trees standing next to each other in my backyard.

 

 

I was stuck in a fog for a long time.  For most of my life, I've drudged slowly through, not knowing where I was going and what I've wanted to do.  I've mistaken one thing for another, only to realize it was something completely different.  I've been tricked by the illusion that I couldn't succeed or be who I wanted to be. 

 

For me, the fog was crippling.  I'd sit down instead of walking through it, looking at it as a barrier instead of just a temporary roadblock, a small inconvenience. I've lived a lot of my life thinking woe is me, if only I could do this or that, if only I could write, if only I could make something of myself.  I failed to see I could remove myself from the fog by acting instead of just writhing in the pain of my existence. 

 

For a long time, I had dreams.  I had dreams I felt were unattainable.  I was negative about not being able to write for a living and not having hair and not having enough money.  I was always focused on what I didn't have and not on what I do have.  I ALWAYS wanted more.  The fog of disbelief kept me from moving forward, from putting one foot in front of the other and removing myself from its heaviness. 

 

 

But I realized the only way to get where you want in life and to do what you want, to reach your dreams and to reach your goals, is to strive for them.  So many people walk through this life living in their dreams, but never TRY to achieve them. 

 

I'm finally seeing some results from my writing, because I write every day now.  I don't say I wish I was a writer and never write a sentence.  I say, I wish I was a writer and I have a goal to write every day. It's the same way with any goal in your life.  If you set goals and you start acting you can remove yourself from the dismalness of the fog too.  Even when it seems like nothing can change and everything is horrible baby steps will get you where you're going: into the light where nothing can hold you back.

 

 



Be Kind

Today was a long day to add to my last few long weeks.  I've been delving into my writing, escaping reality in so many ways, and creating reality in others.  I've been goal oriented and driven, but I've also been dealing with some tough facts about people I care about.  One of my friends received some bad news, and it has just thrown me for a loop.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and sometimes I have trouble sifting through my emotions as they crop up. 

Today I had to work late. I decided to go to Costco afterwards, get gas, and buy the flat of water that I have to provide to Number One's gym for the Girl's Meet this weekend.  When you have three kids, it's always something.  Turning out of the shopping center, instead of accelerating my car started decelerating.  Now this has happened to me before.  I apparently have the magic touch for making car problems appear.  This particular car is my old Camry.  I've had it since 2000.  Yes, that makes the car 13 years old.  It has ALMOST 200,000 miles on it.  I love my Camry, but it may be time for it to retire soon.  My Camry has been through so much with me, and it almost feels like it is a part of my family.  I digress.  So anyway, luckily I realized the Camry was about to stop, and I was able to pull over onto the right side of the road. 

I called Hubby.  He answered, and we talked as the kids screamed in the background.  He said he'd get them in the car and come help me.  I sat there, hazards on, windows rolled down on the side of the road.  I don't know how many people passed me in the 20 minutes I sat there, but it was a lot, as I was stopped on the side of a busy road.  Not ONE person stopped to help me.  Not one!  I mean if someone had stopped, I would have told them to go on because my husband was coming, but it's the thought that counts, right.  Practice random kindness, and it will come back to you.  You never EVER know what the person next door is going through, and one act of kindness could change their life in ways you never imagined.

Maybe it's because I'm in a funk, and "bad things" keep happening to good people around me.  Maybe it's because I EXPECT too much from the fellow human beings in my life, but if I saw a woman stranded on the side of the road, then I think I would stop to help.  Remember when I did 26 things in remembrance of the victims of the Newtown shooting?  If everyone just gave a little bit of themselves to help other people every day, then the world would be a better place. 

I know that if just one person stopped today, it would probably have lifted my mood. 

Maybe something good will happen tomorrow that will give me a renewed faith in humanity. 

More Than Just a Number

I'm one of those people who "sweats" everything.  I think and I over analyze, and I think some more.  I'm a quick decision maker, usually, but I worry about almost every single interaction I have with everyone in my life.  I wonder if that made him mad.  I wonder if I hurt her feelings.  Does she like me?  Does she hate me now?  This probably stems from some deep rooted insecurity or self-esteem issues I have, due to alopecia and how it's affected my emotional well being.  At least, that's was a psychologist would say.  People are people though, and they all act differently and think differently, and over think differently, or don't think at all.  I'd take over thinking over not thinking at all any day.

Over the last couple of years, I've been thinking about health and weight.  I've been over thinking it and analyzing every last bit of food I've put into my mouth.  When I have a splurge day--despite telling YOU it's OK--I usually beat myself up!  I'm really good at beating myself up and being hard on myself.  It's one of my greatest flaws: perfectionism.

I read this article on Shine yesterday, and I absolutely LOVED it, and I needed to share it with all of you who have struggled with your weight your whole life and seem to not be getting anywhere.  I'll sum it up for those of you who are too lazy to click on the link.

Basically the article is called, "Can you be Fat but Fit?"  The consensus through new studies is YES!!!  If you work out and eat relatively right, but don't lose weight then YES, you can be fit.  The key is working out and eating right.  That's always been the key to being healthy: reducing caloric intake and increasing caloric output.

My favorite party of this article was the fact that moderately obese people live 3.1 years longer than normal-weight people.  Now, I don't know how much of this is actually TRUE, because I read this on Yahoo!, and I didn't go looking for statistics to back it up, but I like this idea.  I like the idea, and I think I've always tended to agree with it, that if you are doing the right things, like eating and exercise, then you are prolonging your years and your life.  The number on the scale just doesn't mean a thing, even though we all have a psychological need to see it go down.  We've been fed bull crap about ideal weight our whole life, and we've been fed unrealistic images of men and women whose life is to EXERCISE every day.  These actors and actresses in magazines have personal trainers who basically kick their asses for a living.  Regular old people simply don't have the time or the need to want to exercise 8 hours a day.  We don't live in front of a camera.  We live our lives, and we need to make sure we're healthy to be their for our kids and to get the most out of life: to fulfill our purpose, if you will.

http://www.runwriterace.com/2013/01/scales-cant-tell-you-everything.html

Don't sweat the small stuff and hem and haw when that number on the scale doesn't go down.  Live your life in a healthy way by doing the following:

• Moderate Exercise for 30 minutes a Day.  This can include walking.
• Eat Right, but don't monitor EVERY BITE
• Stop looking at the Scale
• Know in how you feel how fit you are.  Everyone can tell when they start a new exercise plan.  Their breathing improves, they can walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded, and generally they become more active.  You can sense your body feeling and looking stronger.
• Annual Physicals: Keeping an eye on your cholesterol and blood pressure is a better indicator of total health than the weight on the scale.  If these things are in check, then most likely you're doing fine.
• Addressing Your Mental Health: Mental Health Issues can take away your drive, from exercise and eating weight.  If you're depressed then deal with it in a productive way.  Seek help from a counselor or a psychologist.  Talk to family and friends.  Figure out how to get out of your funk so you can live a healthy life. 

Keep Moving!  Never Give Up!  Live a Health Life. 

 

 

 

Running Again and Puzzle Mania

Yesterday, I decided to try running again.  My shin was feeling great: no pain at all.  I'd stopped doing high jumps at Taekwondo, and I basically babied it and iced the thing A LOT.  Well I went out and I ran 3.22 miles in 30 minutes 13 seconds.  I was so happy when I finished.  I want to do it again today.  I do think I need to look into new shoes or inserts, but I'll wait until April when I have more money to invest. 

This weekend, we've been struggling with the rain doldrums.  Number One was in the worse mood yesterday, and he was content to feel that way.  It made me wonder (as I often do), if happiness is a state of mind.  I am beginning to think more and more that it is.  If you want to be happy, then you have to make yourself feel that way.  Maybe that's a no brainer, but as someone who has suffered on and off from depression my whole life this seems like enlightenment to me.  I hate to see my son struggling with the same demons I've faced.  I know he will overcome them, because he has this incredible drive and motivation. 

Number Two and I have bonded over puzzles.  Seriously.  I absolutely LOVE puzzles.  Anyone in my family can tell you.  I used to spend a lot of time putting together 1,000 and 1,500 piece puzzles.  My parents once bought me a 3-D puzzle of a building.  I think it's the creativity in me, watching the pieces of color turn into something tangible.  Number Two loves them too.  He can help out with a 150 piece puzzle quite easily.  This weekend, we bought a set of 8 puzzles in a Mega Box!

They range from 150 to 500 pieces, so we're stepping it up a notch with him.  We put together the Lightning McQueen puzzle last night, and we'll work on another one today.  So much fun to share this joy with him, and I love that we can do it together. 

Waking Up

December 12, 2011

I’ve been pondering my recent depression, and I’m attributing it to the fact that I’ve been walking through life asleep for the last ten years.  In essence, recently I woke up.  I started to face difficult facts about myself and realized that I’m not doing what’s right for me and my family.  Being negative and angry all the time doesn’t achieve much.  Being positive, loving, and working on issues helps me achieve more.  Maybe I needed to “wake up” and take a good look at myself, my choices, my life.  I needed to see that there were some issues that I haven’t faced, things from my past.  I have been pretending to be happy.  I’ve been pretending that everything is fine and dandy, in order to live up to other people’s expectations of me. 

Growing up in the South, you learn how to fake it.  People say it’s hard to get to know people here, and it’s true.  Southerners are known for their Southern Hospitality, but it is on the surface level.  I learned to fake it too well, and I’ve been faking the feeling of happiness, which is not good.  When problems are not addressed they just build up, and eventually they come back to haunt you. 

I have been running away, but I’m ready to stop and face my life.  This weekend, I stayed home and I enjoyed my kids.  I enjoyed my family.  I did not want to leave.  I wanted to play with them, and I wanted to show them my love.  I wanted to clean the house, and I wanted to unpack boxes.  I wanted to make our new house a home!  Buying a house is about new beginnings, after all.