Waking Up

December 12, 2011

I’ve been pondering my recent depression, and I’m attributing it to the fact that I’ve been walking through life asleep for the last ten years.  In essence, recently I woke up.  I started to face difficult facts about myself and realized that I’m not doing what’s right for me and my family.  Being negative and angry all the time doesn’t achieve much.  Being positive, loving, and working on issues helps me achieve more.  Maybe I needed to “wake up” and take a good look at myself, my choices, my life.  I needed to see that there were some issues that I haven’t faced, things from my past.  I have been pretending to be happy.  I’ve been pretending that everything is fine and dandy, in order to live up to other people’s expectations of me. 

Growing up in the South, you learn how to fake it.  People say it’s hard to get to know people here, and it’s true.  Southerners are known for their Southern Hospitality, but it is on the surface level.  I learned to fake it too well, and I’ve been faking the feeling of happiness, which is not good.  When problems are not addressed they just build up, and eventually they come back to haunt you. 

I have been running away, but I’m ready to stop and face my life.  This weekend, I stayed home and I enjoyed my kids.  I enjoyed my family.  I did not want to leave.  I wanted to play with them, and I wanted to show them my love.  I wanted to clean the house, and I wanted to unpack boxes.  I wanted to make our new house a home!  Buying a house is about new beginnings, after all.