What does 2013 Hold?

I can hardly believe this year is over.  2012 was a trying year for me and my family.  We went through a lot of hard times, but a lot of good times too.  I think I've probably grown into myself more this year than any other year since college.  Losing my hair was a huge wake up call for me for some reason (some people might say that's post traumatic stress syndrome).  I've discovered what it takes for me to motivate myself though and to live my dreams, every day.  I don't feel lost the way I did at the beginning of last year. I feel happier, more well rounded, and healthier.  I feel like I'm a better person, a better mother, and maybe a better wife (on a good day). 

This year has been hard for some of my family members too, but all of us have had some pretty major accomplishments. 

Hubby pretty much started out the year by tearing is Achilles tendon.  He was recovering from this the rest of the year, until about September.  After a second surgery to treat Staph, he quit smoking.  QUIT SMOKING!!!  What a major accomplishment for him!  I am beyond proud of him, as this was something he's been struggling with since his teenage years.  He took my lead and began exercising and losing weight too.  We both looked at our demons, and we both started dealing with them...apart and now together. 

Son Number One finished up first grade and started second.  His grades continue to be in the all A range, and we were super proud that he made an A in conduct the first nine weeks!  How thrilling for him.  He also joined the gymnastics's team and attended his first meet, coming in third all around.  He has found his passion, and there is nothing better for a parent than seeing your child do something they love. 

Son Number Two started preschool, and I realized he has a brain...and he's smart!  He has always been my quiet child (except he has a very loud voice--I know so funny!), and I really did not know he knew as much as he did.  He can add!  He has made great friends in preschool, and he fits in well, as usual causing me no problems on that front.  I'm so proud of my little guy.  In other news, he finally moved on from Lightning McQueen to Ninjago.  He still likes Lightning, but he's not as obsessed with him as he used to be.

And Darling Daughter, my one and only girl.  She has grown from a one year old to a terrific two year old.  She is demanding, funny, sweet, and my little shadow. She follows me everywhere.  She loves to give kisses.  I love how when she wants my attention, she'll take her still-pudgy baby hands and move my face towards her and then make her eyes round orbits as she talks to me.  She is adorable and she's a handful!

What about me?  This year has been so up and down for me.  At times, I just wanted it to be over.  I wanted everything to change.  2012 has been about change for me and growing.  I think I finally discovered what it takes to make myself happy. I cried a lot this year, laughed a lot, wrote a lot, exercised a lot, and I began to accept myself for who I am.

I really came to terms with my hair loss this year.  I began experimenting with going out without wigs and hats. I do think I need a tee-shirt that says: I don't have Cancer, It's Alopecia, overall people have been really nice and just ask questions about why I'm bald.  I like the way I look bald, and besides being cold in the winter and having to wear more suntan lotion on my head it doesn't really bother me.  At some point, I'd love to give up my wigs all together, but I'm not sure if my work environment is ready for that quite yet!

I lost almost 60 pounds!!!  I turned my life around, completely changing my lifestyle and began setting a good example for my kids.  I exercise almost every day, and we eat a lot healthier and a lot less than we used to.  This was definitely one of my biggest accomplishments this year!

I really began to write again, and I realized that writing is a huge part of my life.  I hadn't been writing, almost since college, and something was missing.  As a writer, I have this need to put my ideas and stories on paper.  Since I've been writing every day, I feel like I have accomplished so much.  My goal next year is to finish my novel (over halfway done now) and to produce some short stories and try to get them published. 

I'm excited to see what next year holds!!! 

 Bring on 2013!!!!

A Bald Barbie!

I read Bald and Beautiful...Barbie today on the news.  Basically a group of women have come together and written to Mattel to ask them to create a bald barbie doll.  This group of women either suffer from alopecia, have a child who suffers from alopecia, or they or their child has lost their hair to leukemia.

Personally, I think this is a great idea.  As a young child, suffering from alopecia having a visual conversation starter would have been great.  Using the doll as a tool to tell others about my alopecia would have been helpful for me.  Something tangible to use as a prop. 

It's really tough being a child with hair loss.  I had an extremely hard time talking about my hair loss.  I know my parents helped out a lot by telling my teachers, preparing them for it, but I still had some horrible experiences.  It took me a lot of time before it was easy for me to talk about it.  As a child, when someone asked me about my bald spots, I would usually just burst into tears.

I have some horror stories of dealing with alopecia as a child.  When I was in second grade, I had to wear a wig to school for awhile, because I had lost so much of my hair.  One day, we had a substitute teacher, and she was not aware that I was wearing a wig.  One of the boys in my class, came up to me to ask me something, inadvertantly grabbed my hair and my wig fell off.  I still remember Rebecca screaming, "Lauren's head is falling off!"  So funny now, but I was mortified as a child.  The substitute was at a loss of what to do, so she stuffed my wig into a brown paper bag for the rest of the day.  Really, come on people.  Send me to the office, call my mom, but stick my hair in a brown paper bag and go on as if nothing happened?  Some people are hopelessly inept in dealing with childrens' needs.

And I did some crazy things.  I went to camp at eleven, and I left my hair in a pony tail for FIVE weeks.  I was so afraid when I showered someone would see my bald spots.  I was also afraid I wouldn't be able to put the hair up to cover the spots. My mother had always done those things for me.  (I still wonder why my counselor did not pull me aside and ask me about it!)

So, yes, having a bald barbie doll would have been good for me.  It would have showed me that it's okay to be bald.   Being different isn't necessarily bad, it's just being different.  I wish as a child someone would have sat me down and told me it was okay to talk about it. (I'm fairly certain this happened at some point towards high school with my Dad).  Talking about it is what has led me to accept my hair loss as an adult, and it leads others to be more accepting too. 

Although Mattel doesn't accept outside ideas, I am hoping that they will pick up on this one.  And, no, they can't create a Barbie doll for everyone's situation, but having a child with alopecia who can identify with a bald barbie could be great for her self esteem.  It could show her that it's okay to bald.  It doesn't change who you are inside.  It's okay to talk about it, to accept yourself and to seek acceptance from other people.

Happy New Year! 2012

Happy New Year!  I know most of us are all shocked and surprised that the world didn't end.  I guess the Mayans just ran out of stone.  Oh, but I also heard that the world isn't supposed to end until 12/21/12, so maybe it still will.

We had a great time ringing in the New Year with friends.  Normally, on New Year's Eve, I'm in bed and asleep by 9 or 9:30.  Hubby always calls me an old fogey!  Well, not last night.  We invited over some friends and their kids.  The kids played  destroyed the upstairs playroom, while we adults ate, drank, and talked downstairs.  It was so much fun!  I think we're going to have to do this every year.  What a wonderful way to celebrate the end of one year and the beginning of another!  To add to the fun, Auburn won their game against Virginia!  WAR EAGLE!!!

Unfortunately, I drank too much.  I remembered when I woke up this morning why I don't drink like that anymore, because when you get past a certain age you simply cannot handle alcohol!  Once in awhile it's fun though.

I did not really cook for the party.  I bought a lot of little finger foods from Costco, popped them in the oven, and voila, food!  Son # 2 was sick in bed most of the day.  He had a fever of 104.3, and finally around 3:30 when we realized it was not going down with tylenol and motrin, Hubby took him to PriMed.  Of course, he didn't have the flu or strep, and they sent him home saying it was most likely a virus.  He spent most of the evening pent up in our bedroom watching "Curious George" on our computer (we don't have a tv in there).  He is feeling much better today!

I was shocked that Darling Daughter managed to stay up until about 9:00 and even more shocked that Son #1 stayed up until 12:38!!!  That was a miracle.  He is usually a mess if he goes to bed later than 8 or 8:30.  Who knows what today will bring after that late night!  Here's a cute video from earlier in the day, when Darling Daughter and Son #1 were being sweet to each other (sort of).  I tried to get them to wish everyone a "Happy New Year," too, with limited success:

The kids counted down with us: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and then screamed Happy New Year's!  The party dwindled down, everyone left, and I fell into bed with my burning hot baby. 

I'm looking forward to a better year than 2011.  We're starting it out by watching movies, relaxing, and cleaning the house.

Happy New Year's to Everyone!!!

2012 List of Banished Words

Ha! This is the list of banished words for 2012.  I didn't even know they did this, but it made me laugh out loud!

Here's what I think about the banished words:

Amazing: I was honestly really surprised to see this on the list.  I have no problems with the word amazing.  I guess the banishment comes from frequent use on reality TV shows, which I don't watch.

Baby Bump: This word is being banished for overuse in the actor/actress population.  Honestly, I like this phrase.  I would much rather have someone call my pregnant belly a baby bump than say something like, "Oh my God, you're huge!  Are you sure you're not having twins?"  Yes, people say things like this to pregnant women, all.the.time!  Hearing, "What a cute baby bump," is much more pleasant!

Shared Sacrifice: I agree with banishing this one.  This usually comes out of the mouths of people who don't share or sacrifice anything!

Occupy: I believe in the right to free speech and peaceful protests!  No other comment on this.

Blowback: This just sounds dirty to me. 

Man Cave: Oh, the popular man cave.  We saw a lot of "man caves" when we were house hunting.  Our man cave is currently being used as guest bedroom/storage room.  Sorry Hubster!

The New Normal: I hear this phrase a lot, especially at work.  This is an attempt to get the American public to think that the decline in the economy, the slump in the housing market, the massive unemployment rates are normal, and there's nothing they can do to change it.  But wait...

Pet Parent: Yeah, this needs to be banned.  There's nothing I can't stand more than seeing someone strolling their little dog in a stroller.  Dogs are meant to be walked, people!  They don't need a stroller.  Pet Parent.  I love my cat, but I'm his owner not his parent!

Win the Future: This phrase doesn't even make sense.  You can create your own future by making choices, but you can't "win" the future.

Trickeration: Never heard this word.  I guess it is used in sports.  I defer to Hubby on this one.

Ginormous: I like this word.  My 7 year old uses it a lot.  "Mom, look at this ginormous lollipop I have!"  So, no, I don't think it should be banned!

Thank You In Advance: I use this phrase and so do people I work with.  I actually have no problem with this phrase, though it has been coined condescending.  The way I look at it, anytime you are being thanked is a good thing!  Be gracious people!

Reflections: A Year in Review (Part II)

Reflections: Continued from Earlier in the Day:

July – My sister came to visit, and we had a wonderful time.  She fell in love with Darling Daughter.  Who wouldn’t?  After she left, Hubby, the three kids, and I drove up to Rhode Island.  Yes, drove, 24 hours in a car with 3 kids.  The trip went splendidly.  Portable DVD players are a gift from God.  It helped that earlier in the year we had bought a minivan, so the kids could be separated.  One of us sat in the back with them, and overall the ride up there was not hard.  Son# 1 had a hard time with the transition of being in a new place for the week.  We realized that the medicines he had been on were affecting his mood.  He had a major meltdown, and it was very hard on me (as I’m sure it was hard on him).  Still, we enjoyed visiting Hubby’s family, and seeing old friends.  We had not been up there in a long time (three years to be exact).

August – Son # 1 started first grade!  We decided to take him off all medication at the end of this month.  This was the best thing we could have done.  We saw almost immediate improvement in his moods.  He is still hyper, but the more growing he does the more he calms down.  We’ve also noticed that his hyperactivity is linked to his anxiety from changes and transitions.  He does not do well with change.  This is hard for his Mommy, who loves change and does not love routine!   He has shown us what a smart guy he is in school this year, and has begun to expand his love for math.  He also loves animals, reptiles, geography, and he’ll absorb any information having to do with these subjects.  I bought a wig for $50, and it fit my face so much better.  Everyone said it made me look sassy.  I began to build up my confidence again, and resolve the stress of losing my hair.  I noticed a lump in my thyroid while at work. 

September – I had the thyroid checked out and biopsied.  The result came back as a benign cyst with follicular cells.  It will have to be monitored every three months.  It was 2.3 cms, which is fairly large for a thyroid cyst, but the FNA (fine needle aspiration) reduced it, as it was mostly fluid filled with a little follicular debris.  (I went back today 12/29/11—and it is only 1.4 cms now, almost reduced in half).  For a few days, I worried about thyroid cancer.  Thyroid cancer is pretty much the best cancer you can have, but still it was a worry.  To think you have cancer is terrifying, even if it is the best cancer you can have.  I remember thinking about death.  I’m an over thinker, but this little health scare made me really look at my life and see the changes I need to make within myself in order to be a better person.  It made me more spiritual, and it made me more aware that when you are gone, you’re gone (from earth—I don’t know what happens when you die, but I like to believe there is some sort of afterlife).  Your legacy and how you treated others, this is how you'll be remembered.  I want to be thought of as a good wife, mother, and person, and so it’s time to start making changes while I can.

October – This month was a blur.  It went by, and I was depressed most of the time.  We were looking for a house, but trying to make sure Son #1 stayed in the same school district, so that he would not have to change schools—a transition I didn’t want to deal with.  We found a house, then it fell through, then we had to find another one so that we could be out of our rental by the end of December.  The strain of the house hunting was hard for our marriage.  Hubby and I had (and have to) make an effort to keep up communication.  We’re notoriously bad communicators.  We started being more mindful of each other’s feelings.  I really made an effort to go to taekwondo three to four days a week, at night, so that I could test in December for my green belt.  The idea of sparring, and getting rid of pent up aggression called to me!  Plus, exercise made me feel better most of the time, so I could give my all to my relationships within my family. 

November – Son# 1 turned 7!  We had a spend-the-night party for him, in which 7 six and seven year olds descended on my house.  No one died, and they all fell asleep by about 11:30, so I’d call that a success.  We found a new, larger house, than the one before and closed on it.  We decided to move into the house in December.  I began writing again.  I started out just writing journal entries to myself.  Every day, I’d take a little time out to write.  I realized that I had all of these emotions that felt good to verbally throw-up on paper.  It helped me to sort out my feelings and to put them into words.  It also helped me realize how amazing my life is.  I am surrounded by beautiful, sweet children.  I have a husband who loves me and cares about me through thick and thin.  I have parents who will do anything for me.  I have friends who are always there when I need them.  I need to be gracious and accepting of those around me.  I need to stop looking at faults and quit criticizing, bring out the good in others, not the bad. 

December – We started out December with a move into our new house.  New house = New Beginning.  Renewed Happiness.  I am making more of an effort to be a better me.  I’m starting to pay more attention to my life, my health, and the needs of the people around me.  I have wonderful friends and an amazing family.  Reading back through my journal entries at the beginning of November, I can see that I was in a bad place, but I can also see how much I’ve grown and how much I’ve learned from this year of triumphs and challenges.    I feel like this year was a gift (from God, maybe?), in order for me to grow as a person, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.

Looking forward to 2012...

Reflections: A Year in Review (Part 1)

It’s almost 2012.  That means it’s time to look back at 2011.  This is a long post, and I’ll break it into two segments and post one part today, and the other tomorrow:

January – The year started out with a bang, not a whimper.  We heard they were going to do layoffs at work.  Hubby also received a proposition from work to move to North Carolina, for more pay, but not quite enough unless I was laid off (with severance and unemployment).  We had a huge decision to make, and unfortunately the climax of the two events did not occur on the same day.  Hubby and I discussed it, listed pros and cons, and in the end I left it up to him.  It is his career, and we knew if he did not take it he could keep his job here—plus the pros and cons were equal and so at that point I felt like he ultimately needed to decide.  The moment culminated at my parents’ house.  We gathered in the Great Room, and Rob said he decided that we should stay here.  The support of the family outweighed the financial benefit.

I came into work the following Monday, and HR was laying people off.  I did not lose my job, but two of my departmental co-workers did, and so did my best friend.  It’s funny—I was relieved not to have lost my job, and at first I didn’t think that losing my department and my BFF would impact me that much, but it did.  I think this is when I first started feeling depressed.  Looking back—I started spending a lot more time in front of the television, on the computer, and just basically tuning out the world.  I felt lonely at work.  I felt the catastrophic effects of a change that I did not want, and it just felt like too much was happening all at once—spiraling out of my control.  Yes, I’m a control freak. 

But then after a few days of moping around at work and crying for my friends, I started to feel better.  My boss was supportive and talked with us, and no one was very productive for a few days.  Then we had to be productive because there were less people to do the same amount of work that had been done before.  Busyness can take a lot off your mind.   My friends (most of them) found work, and we stayed in touch (most of them), though our relationships began to change a bit, just part of life. 

These 3 will remain Auburn "War Eagle" fans, instead of Tar Heels!

February – I signed Son #1 up for Taekwondo.  Looking back, this probably was not a great thing to do for his anger management.  He had not been in a sport for awhile though, and I wanted him to try something new.  So, he started at Tiger Rock, and so did one of my friend’s sons.  My friend, let’s just call her Miranda Grace, and I started to become closer.  We began to talk about life and love and happiness.  I feel blessed that she entered my life at this time, because I have really grown to love and depend on her this year.  I hope she thinks the same about me.  I began doing things for myself again—not just other people, and seeing the benefit of having friends away from work and away from home to help bring light into my life.  My camera broke this month too, and I had to send it off to be fixed, so February 2011 remains undocumented!

March – March was when I began to realize the Son # 1 was having some problems.  He was on medicine for ADHD, but it was making him tired.  When he was tired, he’d feel angry.  He began getting very angry when disciplined or during limit setting.  Hubby and I were at a loss for how to help him.  I didn’t understand why he felt so angry, when he had such a loving family.  My hair started falling out more.  It had been falling out since Darling Daughter was born, but I think the stress of the year was taking a toll on my immune system.  It first started falling out underneath a layer of hair on the right side of my head (probably around the middle-end of 2010).  Then, my bald spot in the back (that I’ve had since I was 5—it’s never completely gone away) started expanding.  Eventually I started losing the hair on the left side--it was still under a top layer of hair, but my hair just kept looking thinner and thinner.  Then my eyes started itching, and I lost my eyelashes.  Then one of my eyebrows started falling out.  I shaved the other one when it didn’t fall out all the way, and it never grew back. 

April – Son #2 turned 3.  I could not believe that my baby boy was 3.  Hubby and I started having problems.  Relationships are so up and down, and they just take a lot of work.  It is worth it.  It is worth it to have someone who is always there for you, who you can depend on, and who can depend on you.  Hubby and I had a few rough months, starting around April.  This made me realize later in the year, that I have a problem with forgiveness.  I always felt like I was not one to hold grudges but I am, just not in the normal way.  I seethe on things.  I let the ill feelings stay there, and then I end up resenting the person.  I’ll be nice to your face, and then inside I’ve felt all these emotions of hate and anger that I don’t let out.  It’s interesting, because Son # 1 let’s those emotions build up the same way, and then he explodes, but I had never exploded.  I just let those emotions sit there.  All the times I hadn’t forgiven people in my life and hadn’t forgiven myself for things I’d done and regretted, and then instead of being angry I’d feel depressed and withdraw myself from those people around me who love me, care about me, and want what’s best for me.  2012 will be a year in which I learn how to forgive--how to move on and let go, effectively, and not let it build up until I’m at the point of breaking down, like in 2011.

May – Darling Daughter started to walk.  Darling Daughter turned 1!  Darling Daughter started to wean, regardless of the fact that her mother did not want her to.  She was addicted to the bottle.  She loves her pacifier (still!).  She was/is afraid of crowds.  I started telling everyone in the world that I have alopecia areata.  I was really losing my hair at this time, and finally my Mom and I went down and ordered a wig.  I had a hard time with this, but I didn’t really let myself feel the emotions associated with the hair loss at that time.  I just kept on trucking, as I sometimes do.  My friend, Miranda Grace, convinced me to start Taekwondo around this time (or maybe this happened in April).

 

June – My new wig arrived, and when I put it on I felt like crying.  I looked like Loretta Lynn.  The color was wrong.  The hair was too big for me.  It wasn’t MY hair.  I wore it to work, and everyone complimented me.  Hubster complimented me too, but I just couldn’t take the compliment.  It was a hard adjustment for me, and even though I was really losing most of my hair, most days I still walked around with a baseball cap, unless I was at work.  Then I just tried to finagle the wig to work the best for me, with pony tail holders, and clips to pull it back.

New Year's Resolutions

Last year I jotted down some resolutions, on the last day of the year, December 31, 2010.  It’s time to see how I performed, and to set some up for this coming year.

	Resolutions		Achieved?	Comments
1	Lose Weight		Yes	Yes, I put "achieved" in that little box, because I did lose 13 lbs in the last month of this year.
2	Write Every Day		1/2 point	Ok--so I started writing every day in December.  Not exactly the writing EVERY DAY of 2011 that I was striving for.  So many I should get like 5/8ths of a point for this, really.
3	Exercise		Yes	Started in April or May, and I stuck with it!

Overall, I did ok especially considering I didn’t even start WORKING on two of these resolutions until December.  I did have a few more resolutions, but they involved financial things, so I’m not putting them on here.  Sorry—there’s only so much I can share in my life!

My goals this year look a little bit different; similar in idea, but maybe they’re more abstract.  Also, I think they are more attainable and just overall geared towards making myself a better person in 2012. 

	Resolutions
1	Change my lifestyle: Achieve this by eating healthier foods, exercising more, and moving more.
	Write every day: This is a hold over from last year, and it will be on all my list from now on.
2
	Be a less selfish person: Be more courteous, help out more around the house, offer to do things for others.
3
	Be more respectful of people around me.  Listen more, act more with kindness and patience.
4
	Be a more loving, caring, and forgiving partner in my marriage.
5

Some of these, I’ve already started working on.  I just need to carry them over into next year and beyond.  These are not just resolutions for 2012, but resolutions for the rest of my life.