Thursday, April 5, 2012

Your Life is Your Own

I saw this little quote on pinterest this morning.  I found it pinteresting.  (See I just created a verb.  It will eventually  be in the dictionary, just like e-mail)

For a lot of my life, I lived for other people.  I lived thinking about other people's expectations of me.  I wondered whether I was disappointing my parents, my siblings, my friends.  I wondered what other people thought of me.  I had anxiety about not attaining other people's goals for me.  I felt like a constant disappointment to my parents, never doing anything with my life.  Never following through.  Starting something (like vet school, or a novel, or talking about becoming a nurse), but never finishing the task.  I lived in other people's eyes. 

One day this past year, I woke up supremely unhappy.  Those of you who struggle with depression will sympathize with this feeling. I felt like my life had never really begun.  I looked at my choices, and I wondered WHO had made them, because I was never fully awake enough to be conscious of my decision making.  I was not living my life as my own.  I was essentially sleep walking, trying to meet other people's expectations of me and worrying about the outcome, instead of just leaping over the cliff, trying something new, being creative. 

I realized that day, that I matter.  My life is my own to do with what I want, not to do what my parents want me to do, my siblings want me to do, my husband wants, my friends want.  TO DO WHAT I WANT, without the caveat of everyone elses' expectations!  I realized I needed to find a purpose, a pursuit, and jump into it running.  I knew I needed to change my way of doing.

I feel happier than I ever have this year.  I feel more in touch with my emotions, which is funny, because this actually scares other people.  I think our society is so into stuffing your emotions down, and when you have someone who recognizes feeling those emotions, facing them, and letting go then they are often misunderstood.

I want to be fully awake and aware that my decisions are my own.  I don't want to live worrying about what other people are thinking of me anymore.  I want to be who I'M supposed to be, without worrying about what others think. 

Here's to living your life as your own.  A good lesson to us all.

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