I saw this little quote on pinterest this morning. I found it pinteresting. (See I just created a verb. It will eventually be in the dictionary, just like e-mail)
For a lot of my life, I lived for other people. I lived thinking about other people's expectations of me. I wondered whether I was disappointing my parents, my siblings, my friends. I wondered what other people thought of me. I had anxiety about not attaining other people's goals for me. I felt like a constant disappointment to my parents, never doing anything with my life. Never following through. Starting something (like vet school, or a novel, or talking about becoming a nurse), but never finishing the task. I lived in other people's eyes.
One day this past year, I woke up supremely unhappy. Those of you who struggle with depression will sympathize with this feeling. I felt like my life had never really begun. I looked at my choices, and I wondered WHO had made them, because I was never fully awake enough to be conscious of my decision making. I was not living my life as my own. I was essentially sleep walking, trying to meet other people's expectations of me and worrying about the outcome, instead of just leaping over the cliff, trying something new, being creative.
I realized that day, that I matter. My life is my own to do with what I want, not to do what my parents want me to do, my siblings want me to do, my husband wants, my friends want. TO DO WHAT I WANT, without the caveat of everyone elses' expectations! I realized I needed to find a purpose, a pursuit, and jump into it running. I knew I needed to change my way of doing.
I feel happier than I ever have this year. I feel more in touch with my emotions, which is funny, because this actually scares other people. I think our society is so into stuffing your emotions down, and when you have someone who recognizes feeling those emotions, facing them, and letting go then they are often misunderstood.
I want to be fully awake and aware that my decisions are my own. I don't want to live worrying about what other people are thinking of me anymore. I want to be who I'M supposed to be, without worrying about what others think.
Here's to living your life as your own. A good lesson to us all.
No comments:
Post a Comment