Wednesday, March 7, 2012


I was going to sit down and type out a Wayback Wednesday post. I had the topic all picked out. I had even jotted down a few memories. I had asked Hubby about it, jogging my memory of our past together. Then I didn't feel inspired. I didn't feel like writing it today. I wanted to write something else, but no words would come. I sat staring at the screen wondering when this became my life. Wondering when everything started changing.

I wondered if change is good? Does thinking and analyzing just make situations worse? I've dealt with so much crap this year. I lost all my hair. I woke up one morning with the realization that no amount of pretending would make it come back. My hair was gone. I was completely bald. I realized this was just one of those things I'd have to deal with. I went with the flow. I went with my Mom to have a wig made, and when I tried it on I wanted to cry. I HATED the way it looked on me.  I did not look like ME. It made me wonder if I FELT like me. I think it must have been post-traumatic stress. I went from having a head full of hair with small spots to having no hair at all. Losing my hair seemed like such a trivial thing to be upset about. I mean, people all over the world were dying of diseases and starving to death, and I'm acting all upset because my hair fell out! These are conflicting emotions I still feel today.

Losing my hair also inspired me to make something more of myself. I began looking at the aspects of my life where changes needed to be made. I realized I needed to lose weight and exercise. I wanted to become healthy for my kids. I wanted to become healthier for me. I started building up my confidence in my appearance again. I began going places bald, and I felt pretty darn good about the way I looked (still do). I realized real friends and people don't judge you on your appearance, despite how much it may seem so.

I also found myself again, buried under all the baggage, bad words, and garbage I (or we) had put in the way. I don't want this to change. I like who I have become this year. I love writing. I like taking taekwondo. I love the friendships I have forged. I feel genuinely happy with MYSELF, but there are parts of my life which make me want to SCREAM! They make me want to ask, "Where do I go from here? Where do WE go from here?" There is no easy answer.

It’s just a setback…

1 comment:

  1. I saw a show the other day on the Oprah network where she interviewed hasidic jewish families. There was so much I didn't know! One thing I learned was that once a woman is married, she no longer shows her own hair to anyone except to her husband when they're alone. So all the women wear wigs...every day, all day, even at home, for the rest of their lives...



Submit ExpressSubmit Express - SEO Services