Xs and Os

I haven't shared my flash fiction in awhile, because I haven't been writing it as much. Between promoting The Devil Within, editing Little Birdhouses, and writing my no-name work-in-progress I haven't had time. But this week, I decided to write for Mid-week Blues-Buster.

The song this week is Little Blue One by Cowboy Mouth, which is an upbeat song about a sad subject. When I heard this song, after not having listened to Cowboy Mouth for years it took me back to a crowded concert venue in Atlanta in the late 90's or early 00's, where I'd gone to visit my childhood friend, Stacy, at college. I hadn't heard them before I attended the concert with Stacy and Andrea and a few other friends, and I immediately liked their music.

Fair warning: the subject matter is about divorce or the end of a relationship. 

Here's the song if you'd like to have a listen: 

So here's the Dear Jane letter...

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Xs and Os
554 words
@laurenegreene

Dear Jane,

The dream again. Your face. But when I wake up you’re not beside me in the ocean swell of what-used-to-be our king sized bed. The room wreaks of your ghost. I pretend not to think of you. I tell my repetitive thoughts to still the image of you in my mind as I pour two cups of coffee instead of one for the third time this week. Without thought, I pour the second one down the drain. I think about picking up the extra cup and smashing it against the wall, but instead I set it in the sink and think about how you would have told me to “just put it in the dishwasher.”

The photos of you and me in the Caymans eating turtle soup. The smile on your face is eternal. You don’t live here anymore with me, but every waking moment I have to tell myself you’re gone. Today, I’ll take the photos down. It’s been six months, and I know you’re not coming back. I’ll put them in boxes, and I’ll wrap them up, and it will be like our life together never existed. That’s what you wanted.

When your text pinged my cell at 2 AM, I had to stumble from the couch where I’d fallen asleep watching Geraldo. I knocked the half empty bottle of wine onto the rug. You remember that rug, don’t you? We spent four hours debating on whether to get blue wool or the checkered cotton at Pottery Barn. I, like the sales clerk, wanted to gouge out my eyes with knives before you’d make up your mind. Back and forth. Wishy washy. That was always your way. Maniacal laughter erupted from my lips when I thought how ironic it was that this rug, your baby, your precious, had been left in my incapable hands. It’s in the green trashcan waiting for pickup on the curb now. So long sucker.

The laughter turned to tears when I read your text. “I want an annulment.” The words stung. Married for six years and just like that you wanted to pretend we didn’t exist. Well maybe you didn’t exist, but I did. I waited for you, lost in your blue world of depression as you were. I stuck with you when no one did. I made sure they pumped your stomach. I made sure you didn’t die on the pink title floor of our bathroom by sticking my finger down your throat. Covered in your puke and half-digested pills, I helped get you to the hospital. I saved your life…literally. And I helped you find your way. Even if that way was away from me.

So, my little blue one, now that you’ve found your way you want to pretend that none of it ever happened? Move on, put me behind you and that period of your life when you couldn’t control yourself. You couldn’t control your emotions.

The answer is no. I’ll grant you a divorce, but not an annulment. Because not every day was filled with vomit and fights over rugs. I walked on the beach with you. I kissed you under a gazebo. I imagined our life together, complete with babies, and I thought I’d be with you forever. I can’t pretend that never existed.

Xs and Os, the answer is no.

--John

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All About That Bass

If you haven't heard the song, All About That Bass, by Meghan Trainor, then maybe you live under the rock, or you have kids who don't listen to Pop, or you don't attend Zumba class like a fiend the way I do! 

Anyway, here's the link to the YouTube video:




You need to watch this video.  And after you watch this video you need to share it with your sisters, your moms, your daughters, your granddaughters.  You need to share it with every woman you know, because this song, with its catchy tune, and its poppy lyrics, has such a great meaning.  This song is about accepting yourself, accepting your body and realizing that the idea that "perfect" is a size 2 is absurd. 

I think my favorite line in this song besides, "I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places," is when she sings, "I'm bringing booty back."

Girls, I've been bringing booty back for years!  Without my booty, I wouldn't look like such a hot mess when I Zumba. 

Be proud of your bodies.  Live healthy.  Exercise, eat right, but don't think that being skinny is the goal.  It should not be.  Every one's bodies are built differently.  I happen to have a skinny top, wide hips, and a big booty.  I've struggled with my weight for years.  I've struggled to lose weight, and to fit into the "ideal" beauty mold.  I've struggled with self image, just like every other woman on this earth (even the size 2s)!  Well let me tell you something, there's no such thing as an ideal beauty.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Being confident in who you are and how you look is the most important thing.  I've struggled with this, not only with my body image, but also from losing my hair.  And I realized that I'm a beautiful person, and I'm proud of my body, because I know it's strong and I know it's toned. 

Teach your girls to embrace their bodies, no matter what size they are.  Teach them self-love.  Teach them that models and Barbie dolls are "fantasy" and not "reality."  Teach them that they are beautiful just the way they are.  Teach them that it's about inside and out, and give them strength to deal with anyone who tells them differently. 

Accept yourself for who you are.  Accept your body.  Accept your bald head, your pointy elbows, or any other flaw you think you have on your body.  Chances are, what you think are flaws in your body are actually the things that make you the most beautiful. 

Learn to Be Still

My post today is inspired by the Eagles' song, Learn to Be Still.  I was reading an insanely hilarious book, Nature Girl by Carl Hiassen.  I love Hiassen: he's a hoot. 

The book mentioned the song, and I had to look it up. I have this habit of looking up everything I don't know, mainly because when I was a kid and I'd ask my parents they'd always say, "LOOK IT UP, LAUREN!"  Back then, I'd have to go scan the big brown Encyclopedia Britannicas that adorned our shelf on Rolling Road.  Now, I only have to hop on the Internet and log it into Google to find out what it's all about.  I love the Internets!

I love the lyrics to this song though.  I know my Hubby is reading this and shaking his head.  He absolutely hates the Eagles.  How anyone can hate the Eagles is beyond me, and this song just rings so true in my life and probably in so many others.

Here are a few snippets from the song:

You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will-

Happiness is a state of mind, and it can only be achieved if you start trusting and believing in yourself.  For a long time, I was running from something or maybe trying to run to something.  I was trying to live up to unrealistic expectations that I had set for myself.  I looked at my life, and I was not happy.  I finally did something about it though, but it was so hard.  I felt like I was digging myself out of a pit made of slick granite walls with only a spoon.  Finding happiness is about setting goals, seeing how much you do achieve every day of your life, and finding contentment in the little things and the people who fill up your life.  Happiness is learning how to be content with what you have and who you are, and allowing yourself to realize no one is perfect and no one has everything.  In order to achieve happiness, you have to stop WANTING so much.  You have to set realistic expectations for your life and stop living in a fantasy world and own up to your life, as it is. 

In one part of the song, Don Henley croons:

Now the flowers in your garden
They don't smell so sweet
Maybe you've forgotten
The heaven lying at your feet

How many of us go through life not realizing what we have?  How many of us walk through the day and see something spectacular like a sunrise over the horizon, or a rainbow after the rain, or a little purple violet sticking out of pine straw in the ground, and just walk on ignoring it, absorbed with every day thoughts and fears, trying to make ourselves happy without seeing the point of it all, without taking in the beauty that surrounds us every day? 

How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?
Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breakin'
It's waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will-
Learn to be still
Learn to be still

So many people run from one problem to another.  I know I'm guilty of it.  When things get tough, I think human nature makes us want to move on.  Abandon your problems, and the hole where they once lay will be filled by more. 

The way to be happy: face your demons, be honest to those you love, enjoy your children and laugh with them, set goals so you can feel you've achieved something every single day of your life, and stop to watch the moon rise over the horizon, filling up the sky as a glowing orb signaling the end of one day and the beginning of a new day filled with hopes for the future.




Learn To Be Still by siouxnavajo

*Song: Learn to Be Still by the Eagles, written by Don Henley and Stanley Lynch.  Lyrics found on: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/e/eagles/learn+to+be+still_20044472.html

Random Rambles

There's this amazing thunderstorm going on right now.  All of the North is buried in 2-3 feet of snow, and we had mild weather this weekend.  We took the kids to ASF (Alabama Shakespeare Festival), and we ran around in tee-shirts. 

Yesterday evening the cold front came in and overnight the thunder was loud, theatrical almost in its booming.  I was surprised when I woke up, and we still had electricity.  I truly love underground power lines. 

I'm listening to Jamiroquai, and it's reminding me of the time that Phil and I went to see them at Luna Park in Buenos Aires, Argentina.  I didn't even know who Jamiroquai was then.  It's funny how you can listen to a song, and it can take you back to a moment, standing there dancing and loving the beat.  Thinking you'll be young forever: stuck in a moment. 

I have to work on finishing up the collages for the 2nd Grade Yearbook.  This is actually something I like to do, using my creativity to format it and making memories.  Plus, when you're doing the Yearbook, you get to make sure your child is well represented! One of the pluses!

This post is just a ramble.  I need to work on my novel, and I'm procrastinating.  I dreamt about my character last night.  There she was standing larger than life in my dreams, as if she really exists outside of my mind.  What a strange feeling, to create something, and then see it vividly. 

I told Hubby the other day that it's funny, because I create these whole little worlds in my head, then other people read it and they "see" it differently than I do.  Their imagination fills in the extraneous details that mine already did without the "telling."  That's one of the things I like about writing: sharing the creativity. 

Random Rambles

I've been slacking in the running department this week.  Yesterday, I swore I would wake up today (Friday) and go for a run, and I didn't.  Last time I ran I had a horrible shin splint, and I thought I would just rest it.  Well, I haven't run since last weekend.  It's not like I haven't been active though.  I went to Taekwondo on Monday and Tuesday and then kisado on Wednesday.  I skipped yesterday and went out to Mexican with the family instead. 

I know that with running, I really need to keep it up for my mileage.  I was disappointed this week though.  I had intentions of signing up for the Shamrock Shuffle.  I even blogged about it: Right Here.  Well, I double booked.  I can't run that day, because Number One's State Meet for gymnastics is that day in Birmingham.  It's more important for me to support Number One than to go run a 10K.  I think the disappointment led to me making excuses about why I couldn't run this week.  I just need to get myself back out there.  No excuses, right? 

Darling Daughter woke up early this morning too, at 4:45.  Right now she's parked in front of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing with her beads and her Mardi Gras money.  I told her if she wakes up that early she needs to be quiet so I can write.  I have my headphones on, and I'm listening to "Skinny Love," by Bon Iver over and over again.  I love this song.  There's something about his voice and the pure emotion that emanates from the song that makes me want to listen to this song over and over again.  The loss of love, something turning out the opposite way of what you expected, everyone in the world has had those feelings before.  I can relate.

Anyway, I totally digressed and this blog is just one big ramble so I'll just keep going with it. Yesterday I tried some of Darling Daughter's summer clothes on her.  I went a little crazy buying for her this year, because I haven't bought clothes for her in about a year (or just a few clothes to fill in where we didn't have hand-me-downs).  Hubby took this fantastic photo of Darling Daughter and me last night, and I just love it.  I never realized how much she and I look alike, but we totally do.  Two peas in a pod.  My sidekick.  My shadow.  I love this girl so much.

I think I'm going to end my reckless ramblings and go work on my novel for an hour before it's time to get ready for work, and make it through Friday.  I won't be blogging this weekend, because Number One has another meet, and we'll be out town.  A Florida meet, so the competition will be even harder than Georgia. 

Finally Friday

The title says it all.  This week has been super busy.  Fun, but super busy.  I am really ready for it to be Suddenly Sunday afternoon.  I'm ready for all of the "events" to end and to get on with my normal life. 
Overbooked is the word of the week.

On Tuesday night, Hubby and I went to a Cake concert. I used to listen to Cake in high school and then later on in college too.  I love their song, Short Skirt/Long Jacket.  They gave away a peach tree, and we were vying for it, but unfortunately didn't see the peaches until after some guy named Russell pointed out they were there!  He won the tree, needless to say.  Hubby and I had one drink.  His Achilles tendon was knocked into several times.  He wasn't the only one with crutches, and we met some fellow parents sitting right next to us, enjoying their wedding anniversary.  Overall, it was an enjoyable night.

Here's a photo of Cake.  Hubby took this when the mass onslaught of people rushed up to the stage during the Encore.  The rest of the time the MPAC (Montgomery Performing Arts Center) security reined down on people like Nazis, threatening to kick them out for taking photos and for dancing in the aisles.  Dancing in the aisles is a fire hazard, you know?

He still sang as well as he did in the 90s.  I've seen some older musicians before, and honestly, sometimes they are not nearly as good as they used to be.  Not the case with Cake.  And, we were happy Montgomery finally has some good live musicians coming.  This has been a long time coming.

On Wednesday, we had more of a down day.  I was so tired from the concert the night before.  We came home to celebrate Son Number Two's birthday.  He had a great time, and he loved his cake.  Not Cake the band, just plain chocolate cake with butter cream icing.  Oh, and Cake the band derived their name from "caked on" not from cake the food (Just a little tidbit of trivia for you!).

Here's a little video of the kids on Son Number Two's birthday.  Darling Daughter was singing his birthday song to him.  I thought it was so sweet.  Her vocabulary is starting to explode, thanks to the fact she can finally hear after receiving tubes (long overdo in my opinion!).

Yesterday I went to work, and I thought I would barely make it through.  I had some projects to work on, but I have a kidney stone right now trying to work it's way out of my body and it is never pleasant.  I was in a lot of pain yesterday afternoon, but I think I finally passed the darn thing.  I love genetics!  I always end up having the strangest ailments. 

After work, we had awards for taekwondo (TKD).  I earned my third level green belt.  I'm so excited.  I'm making progress.  My goal is to, eventually, earn my black belt.  I was excited to see all my TKD buddies move up in rank.  We also had several students earn their black belts last night, including some Junior students, and their parents made great speeches about them, which was so inspirational. 

Afterwards, the fun night continued at Jalapenos for some Mexican food and fun.  I spoke Spanish to the waiters, and they loved it.  I've been trying to dig my Spanish out of the recessed of my brain recently.  I find I can understand almost anything people speak to me, but speaking back is harder (and we all know in English I don't have a problem with that!).

With TKD testing and Awards, TKD has been closed and my exercise has gone down to non-existent.  Hubby emphasizes the fact I danced on Tuesday night!  Not the same.  I'm excited to get back in my TKD groove on Saturday.  I need the exercise, as I feel it helps me with the little stresses of the day.  I also think it helps me feel less tired normally.  I don't have a whole lot of natural energy, because a) I have three little kids, b) I have a jam packed schedule, and c) I don't always sleep a ton!  I feel TKD helps with that.

This weekend, the activities continue.  I think on Sunday, I will just fall into bed and be so glad the week is over and look back and wonder how we ever made it through!

The Cave

Lately I’ve been listening to more music, probably because I finally have an iPod Nano.  Also, we finally have a good alternative station here.  I like pop too, especially when the kids are in the car, but I’ve always been more of an Indie/Alternative music lover.

I’m currently obsessed with Mumford and Sons.  Their music is so soulful and deep.  Their music is gritty and emotional, usually capturing several emotions, sometimes even multiple emotions in one song.  “Sigh No More” is playing in my head phones as I write this. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about their song, “The Cave.”  Here are the lyrics, in case you haven’t heard it:

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

I’ve thought a lot about these lyrics in the context of my life.  They relate directly to Plato’s allegory of the cave.  For those of y’all not familiar with this allegory, you can look it up on Wikipedia, but here is a basic summary. Plato wrote, as a discussion between Socrates and Glaucon, about men living in a cave, chained to the wall by their arms and necks so they cannot move, and they can only see what is before them.  There is a fire behind them, and men are walking over a bridge behind them, carrying all sorts of items on their shoulders, holding items. 

The men staring at the wall would think that the shadows they were seeing were reality.  If the prisoners far from the shadows made noise then the men staring at the shadows would think the shadows were talking.  If for some reason one of these men were released, he would be confused at the presence of people carrying items over the bridge.  He would think, at first, that the shadows were truer than the actual reality of the people. He would be afraid. But, as he explored this world and walks out of the cave seeing the actual sun for the first time, he would become aware that there is more to the world than first appears.

Plato attributes the shadows in the cave just to “sight,” viewing the world as it is and not taking anything else from it.  The light of the fire is the sun to the prisoners.  The journey out of the shackles and out of the cave is the ascent of the mind into the intellectual world, learning more from life than what just appears. 

In Mumford and Sons “The Cave,” when they sing, “I need freedom now, I need to know how to live my life as it’s meant to be,” it for me symbolizes this ascent of the soul into a more intellectual and spiritual plane.  This realization comes to all of us at some point in our life, usually from some traumatic event.  I love this song, because to me it represents hope.  Hope in seeing the world in a different light.  Hope in changing your life for the better and seeing things beyond that surface level that so many people are shackled and chained to without exploring a deeper meaning of life--really finding yourself.  Realizing that sometimes it takes pain to bring you into the realm of a greater self, a greater good, and increased sense of reality.  Things are not always as they seem to be, and in order to gain clarity you have to look beyond what you see.