Xs and Os

I haven't shared my flash fiction in awhile, because I haven't been writing it as much. Between promoting The Devil Within, editing Little Birdhouses, and writing my no-name work-in-progress I haven't had time. But this week, I decided to write for Mid-week Blues-Buster.

The song this week is Little Blue One by Cowboy Mouth, which is an upbeat song about a sad subject. When I heard this song, after not having listened to Cowboy Mouth for years it took me back to a crowded concert venue in Atlanta in the late 90's or early 00's, where I'd gone to visit my childhood friend, Stacy, at college. I hadn't heard them before I attended the concert with Stacy and Andrea and a few other friends, and I immediately liked their music.

Fair warning: the subject matter is about divorce or the end of a relationship. 

Here's the song if you'd like to have a listen: 

So here's the Dear Jane letter...

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Xs and Os
554 words
@laurenegreene

Dear Jane,

The dream again. Your face. But when I wake up you’re not beside me in the ocean swell of what-used-to-be our king sized bed. The room wreaks of your ghost. I pretend not to think of you. I tell my repetitive thoughts to still the image of you in my mind as I pour two cups of coffee instead of one for the third time this week. Without thought, I pour the second one down the drain. I think about picking up the extra cup and smashing it against the wall, but instead I set it in the sink and think about how you would have told me to “just put it in the dishwasher.”

The photos of you and me in the Caymans eating turtle soup. The smile on your face is eternal. You don’t live here anymore with me, but every waking moment I have to tell myself you’re gone. Today, I’ll take the photos down. It’s been six months, and I know you’re not coming back. I’ll put them in boxes, and I’ll wrap them up, and it will be like our life together never existed. That’s what you wanted.

When your text pinged my cell at 2 AM, I had to stumble from the couch where I’d fallen asleep watching Geraldo. I knocked the half empty bottle of wine onto the rug. You remember that rug, don’t you? We spent four hours debating on whether to get blue wool or the checkered cotton at Pottery Barn. I, like the sales clerk, wanted to gouge out my eyes with knives before you’d make up your mind. Back and forth. Wishy washy. That was always your way. Maniacal laughter erupted from my lips when I thought how ironic it was that this rug, your baby, your precious, had been left in my incapable hands. It’s in the green trashcan waiting for pickup on the curb now. So long sucker.

The laughter turned to tears when I read your text. “I want an annulment.” The words stung. Married for six years and just like that you wanted to pretend we didn’t exist. Well maybe you didn’t exist, but I did. I waited for you, lost in your blue world of depression as you were. I stuck with you when no one did. I made sure they pumped your stomach. I made sure you didn’t die on the pink title floor of our bathroom by sticking my finger down your throat. Covered in your puke and half-digested pills, I helped get you to the hospital. I saved your life…literally. And I helped you find your way. Even if that way was away from me.

So, my little blue one, now that you’ve found your way you want to pretend that none of it ever happened? Move on, put me behind you and that period of your life when you couldn’t control yourself. You couldn’t control your emotions.

The answer is no. I’ll grant you a divorce, but not an annulment. Because not every day was filled with vomit and fights over rugs. I walked on the beach with you. I kissed you under a gazebo. I imagined our life together, complete with babies, and I thought I’d be with you forever. I can’t pretend that never existed.

Xs and Os, the answer is no.

--John

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Break From Reality

Last week, Hubby and I had a break from reality. It was much needed, and even more than I needed it to be. Despite the timing of The Devil Within, once we were away we let everything go. In my writing journey, over the last few years, I've become a social media guru. You pretty much have to in this day and age (yeah--I sound like a grandparent). I use twitter, Google+, Facebook, Instagram, etc. to promote myself as an author and promote my work. The nicest part of the vacation was our decision not to use technology while we were there, except to Facetime or message the kids. 

Our eldest told us he wouldn't miss us. Because he's ten and all. But he did. He tried to Facetime me a lot and then if I mentioned him missing us he'd say, "No, not really." When we pulled into our garage a week later, he was the first one through the garage door and he flung himself into my arms. It's nice to be missed. 

I recommend a get away like this for anyone who hasn't done it. I came back refreshed and ready to write again. Now I'm focusing on editing Little Birdhouses and promoting The Devil Within. Fairly soon, I'll have some swag to give to you. It's getting real, y'all! 

And don't forget. If you sign up for my newsletter at http://eepurl.com/bo4ILP you'll automatically be entered for a chance to win a free signed copy of The Devil Within! The winner will be announced in the July 31st edition of the newsletter. 

Here are some photos from our trip, just because I think everyone should go to Punta Cana. The Dominican Republic is the sixth largest exporter of cocoa in the world. And their chocolate is wonderful, and their people are amazing, and if you haven't been to a third world country and left the resort you should. It's an eye opener, and it makes you grateful for everything you have. 

      

Where Have I Been?

Excuse the cellphone quality photo. I haven't quite downloaded the camera photos yet. When you come back from Paradise, where you lived for six days without children, it's hard to get back into the swing of things. We stayed at Paradisus Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic and my hubby and I had some much needed alone time. Rekindling, if you will? We also met some great people who seemed more like characters in a book, but as we all know "Characters are only works of fiction, any resemblance to someone in real life is purely coincidental." 

Originally, when we planned this trip I thought The Devil Within would already be out. I anticipated having it published in April or May, but we all know how seldom things go as planned. That's the fun of life. I was pleasantly surprised to know the paperback came out the day before we left, and guess what? Now the kindle edition is out. For some reason they're two different links and the Kindle link is hard to find. I'm hoping Amazon gets that sorted out. I'm sure they will.

Click the book below for the link to the Kindle edition:

So let me tell you, the absolute best way to make a book a raging success is to fly to the Dominican Republic for a week the day it comes out. No, I'm kidding. I really wanted to bomb the market with this book. I wanted it to have a fantastic first day out, because I feel like this book is special. And I don't know if thousands of authors say that. Oh, look at me, I wrote a book. But I didn't think I would ever publish this book. I wrote it more for myself, the inspiration plucked from the sky somewhere. Writing it took me on an emotional journey through the doorways of youth, religion, hate and love. In this book, William experiences suffering that no small child should feel, but the truth is every day in the "real world" children are coping with the harsh realities of what William's fictional life: being hurt by the person who is supposed to care for them the most. 

When you are young, the world seems so big. Sometimes it seems magical. And other times it's terrifying. As I wrote The Devil Within I felt horrified for William. My heart tugged for him, and I longed to help him escape. I longed to give him a chance. And so, this book is personal to me because it tells a tale of survival and that's what we're all trying to do in this amazing unrelenting world of ours. 

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Life Lessons Exists Through Experience

2015 is about positive change.

Yesterday, the whole family was in the car. The kids were supposed to go to a parent's night out, but unbeknownst to us, the gym had cancelled (someone didn't do their job and call us). We were driving to my mom's house to drop them off, and Number One said, "I wish I had an iPod." and Number Two chimed in, "I wish I had a Ninjago," and Darling Daughter said, "I wish I had all the makeup in the world (seriously, is this really my kid?)."

I said, "I don't really want anything. I've decided experiences are the way to go."

Everyone laughed, and I said, "Okay, or maybe I need my book to edit myself. That's my wish. My book should edit itself, or I should have a magical pen that just makes everything come out perfectly with no need to edit. But I don't really wish for any material things."

Then we had a hysterical conversation about how dogs lick their butts and then people's faces, and I made up a new word "poop-lick," which elicited tons of giggles from the kids, and Rob and I laughed about it all night long. This is a little tangent, and if it was in a book it would be deleted as not necessary.

And speaking of Rob. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. And it's no secret things aren't perfect between us. We have a lot of ups and downs. We always have. I think a lot of you already know that. And just being honest, we've told people we were throwing in the towel and giving up. But things change, and I realized there are people who depend on me who wouldn't be able to cope with the change. It's funny how a crisis can sometimes bring two people closer together, and can sometimes drive people further apart. But more importantly I realized I can't find happiness in other people--only in myself. But I can find happiness in experiences. I can also find happiness by dropping my unrealistic expectations of other people. And this is something I'm learning to do. Give without expectation. Be a friend to be a friend, not to expect others to do for you. I do think it's not a coincidence that as my writing becomes more of a priority in my life, my marriage has gotten better. It's infinitely easier to give back to someone else when I feel fulfilled.  Still, Rob and I are very different people. We communicate differently, we look at situations differently, we react differently. There will always be work in our marriage, it will never be perfect (because nothing is-I haven't found the magic pen for that either).  I will have been with this man for fourteen years on St. Patrick's Day of this year, and there's something sort of amazing about that in our throw-away, give-up society.

So this year, we're going for experiences.  Experiences help you enjoy each other. They also stay with you and help you build memories. They make you feel more fulfilled and happier. Whereas objects comes and go, break and bend, and can easily be replaced. Memories tie you together. I'm hoping to find some inspiration in places. Life isn't easy, but no one ever said it was. But the longer I live, the more I enjoy the ups and downs as teachers of enlightenment and the more I realize the power I have to make myself a better person, every single day.

In Moderation

It's July 4th, and a wet one at that.  We have been stuck in the house with the kids, and they are going stir crazy, as only little boys know how to do.  In fact, they are walking around the house wearing one of Darling Daughter's tutus, and I'm writing this in hopes that one day their future girlfriend will read this and laugh!  Yes--blackmail is a wonderful thing.

I haven't blogged in some time.  Hubby took me to New Orleans for our TEN year anniversary.  I still can't believe we made it 10 years.  It has been rough, but worth it, and I recommend a trip without kids for any married couple.  We had a wonderful time, and we really reconnected.  We ate a LOT, drank a LOT, danced A LOT, and sweated A LOT!  Excuse the qualities of the photo.  My camera is still broken, so every photo I've taken recently has come from my iPhone.  I miss my camera.

 

 

Here we are in front of the St. Louis Cathedral at Jackson Square in New Orleans.  The weather was beautiful, though HOT.  We enjoyed ourselves so much, and it was a much needed vacation without the kids. 

 

Okay: moving on.  This post is supposed to be about goals.  I have been neglectful in my goals.  I stepped off the path, and I took a long detour but I'm BACK.  It took me realizing I had gained back 20 pounds of the 50 I lost to realize I need to have goals in my every day life...again.

 

I came back from New Orleans rejuvenated and ready to make the necessary changes.  Watching your weight and exercising is a lifestyle change, as I have said many times before, and it takes constant adjusting to stay on track and not get waylaid by the taste of chocolate or alcohol!  (Those are my two biggest weaknesses!)

 

I came back and I went to three Taekwondo classes in a row.  I hopped back onto MyFitnessPal, and I started tracking my food.  I started full throttle back into my lifestyle change, and hopefully this time I will be able to stick with it for LIFE.  The thing about changing your lifestyle is it shouldn't be HARD.  You should still be able to eat what you want, but in limited quantities.  The problem comes in when you try to cut out foods you love COMPLETELY.  That will never work, because as soon as you start eating those things again you'll keep eating more and more of them, thus sabotaging your hard work.

 

I love MyFitnessPal, because you can literally eat anything as long as you try to stay at your calorie goal or below.  I can still have my chocolate occasionally and my alcohol occasionally, IN MODERATION.  Those two words I have trouble with.  I don't really like doing anything IN MODERATION.  I know this about myself, and it's a battle I fight daily.  I like to eat to excess, I like to laugh to excess, talk to excess, read to excess, drink to excess.  It is one of my many flaws, so I really have to work hard against letting it take over my life and lead me down the wrong path.  Self-worth and self-reliance, reigning in control of our natural tendencies towards self-destruction is one of the many lessons in life--at least I feel that way.

 

No one is perfect.  Nothing is handed to you.  The key to success in everything, including weight loss, is hard work.  Hark work, will power, motivation, and realizing you don't have to give up everything you love to eat and drink in order to live a healthy life will take you a long way.

 

Hopping back on the horse right now, and galloping towards my goals.  See you on the other side.

 

 

 

 

 



Equality for All!

 

Way back in January 2012, I wrote this blog post about the Lovings. You'd have to be living in a box to not know what's going on in the Supreme Court this week. 

But if you are living in a box, here's a brief snippet from Yahoo News:

The court's first major examination of gay rights in 10 years begins Tuesday with a hearing on California's ban on same-sex marriage. On Wednesday, the justices will consider the federal law that prevents legally married gay couples from receiving a range of benefits afforded straight married Americans.

I believe in equality for all.  I believe in the right to pursue happiness.  I think by not allowing gay marriage, the United States is supporting a religiously-backed, flawed logic. 

In the 1960's in the South, there was a Civil Rights movement.  The black people who lived here didn't have equal rights, despite the fact that they were considered "free" men since the Emancipation Proclamation.  The Blacks fought for their rights to attend the same schools as the whites, to have the same rights, and to be able to drink from the same fountain.

I liken Gay Rights to the Civil Rights movement.  These are people who just want to live their life.  They want the same basic human rights that everyone else has, despite their sexual orientation!  They want to marry the people they love.  They want to have the same rights as heterosexual people, and why shouldn't they?  Because they love someone of the same sex?  Let me ask you, how does that in anyway hurt you?  It doesn't!!!  Gay marriage is about personal choice, but honestly most people I know who are gay say they are born that way and always knew they were different.

Most gay people I know are wonderful.  They're not pedophiles.  They're not out to change your Christian values.  They just want to live their life in the same way you and I do.  They want to make their OWN decisions about their future, and not be held back by a government who is currently denying them their basic rights to happiness. 

Stepping off my soapbox now. 

2013: A Banner Year!

I am a writing fool this week!  I have sat down every morning, blogged and then worked on my novel.  I'm fitting it into my routine, and I'm thankful that I have the time every day to do something I love so much.

This week has seriously been the best for my family.  At the end of the year, I received a promotion.  I'm now working for the CEO at my office.  I started shadowing the outgoing assistant on Monday, and I honestly really like the job.  I'm also thankful for the extra money, which we really needed to support three kids: one in private school, one in daycare, and one in gymnastics (which costs almost as much as private school per year)!  Plus, miscellaneous expenses that are ALWAYS coming up! 

Yesterday was my first day doing the job on my own, and I do think I will be able to perform it with ease, but I'll continue to be busy which is super important for me.  Hubby called me in the morning.  He sounded down.

Me: "Are you okay?"

Hubs: "I guess."

Me: "What's going on?"

Hubs: "I just got a promotion, with a raise!!!"

Me: "Oh my God!  2013 is the best!!!"

Seriously, thank God we've left the hell year of 2012 in the dust, because 2013 is already becoming a banner year!  I attribute this to the fact that both Hubby and I looked at our life and we were unhappy with our mindless meandering. We both worked on ourselves: our attitude, our bodies, our minds. We both set goals.  We became more goal-oriented, more cognizant of those around us, and of course harder workers.  Working harder always gets you somewhere.

Now for a little bit of superstition: What goes around comes around.  Since I started doing #26Acts and really giving to people, even perfect strangers the Universe has started to repay me. 

This started simply, with a man in a restaurant giving me 2 quarters so the kids could get gumballs after their meal.  He didn't know me from Adam (who is Adam anyway?), but he felt like he wanted to give something to me and make my kids happy.  Even little gestures of kindness like that can make a person's day. 

Then the other morning, the kids left the lights on in my car and my car wouldn't start.  For some reason we were having trouble putting the car into neutral.  I walked down to the construction workers in my neighborhood, and they quickly and willingly came to help.  They did it with smiles on their faces.  I still need to make muffins for them.  Give back. 

Giving to others is amazing.  Not only does it make you feel good, but maybe the spirit starts to infect other people, and before you know it people will be giving back to you. 

What does 2013 Hold?

I can hardly believe this year is over.  2012 was a trying year for me and my family.  We went through a lot of hard times, but a lot of good times too.  I think I've probably grown into myself more this year than any other year since college.  Losing my hair was a huge wake up call for me for some reason (some people might say that's post traumatic stress syndrome).  I've discovered what it takes for me to motivate myself though and to live my dreams, every day.  I don't feel lost the way I did at the beginning of last year. I feel happier, more well rounded, and healthier.  I feel like I'm a better person, a better mother, and maybe a better wife (on a good day). 

This year has been hard for some of my family members too, but all of us have had some pretty major accomplishments. 

Hubby pretty much started out the year by tearing is Achilles tendon.  He was recovering from this the rest of the year, until about September.  After a second surgery to treat Staph, he quit smoking.  QUIT SMOKING!!!  What a major accomplishment for him!  I am beyond proud of him, as this was something he's been struggling with since his teenage years.  He took my lead and began exercising and losing weight too.  We both looked at our demons, and we both started dealing with them...apart and now together. 

Son Number One finished up first grade and started second.  His grades continue to be in the all A range, and we were super proud that he made an A in conduct the first nine weeks!  How thrilling for him.  He also joined the gymnastics's team and attended his first meet, coming in third all around.  He has found his passion, and there is nothing better for a parent than seeing your child do something they love. 

Son Number Two started preschool, and I realized he has a brain...and he's smart!  He has always been my quiet child (except he has a very loud voice--I know so funny!), and I really did not know he knew as much as he did.  He can add!  He has made great friends in preschool, and he fits in well, as usual causing me no problems on that front.  I'm so proud of my little guy.  In other news, he finally moved on from Lightning McQueen to Ninjago.  He still likes Lightning, but he's not as obsessed with him as he used to be.

And Darling Daughter, my one and only girl.  She has grown from a one year old to a terrific two year old.  She is demanding, funny, sweet, and my little shadow. She follows me everywhere.  She loves to give kisses.  I love how when she wants my attention, she'll take her still-pudgy baby hands and move my face towards her and then make her eyes round orbits as she talks to me.  She is adorable and she's a handful!

What about me?  This year has been so up and down for me.  At times, I just wanted it to be over.  I wanted everything to change.  2012 has been about change for me and growing.  I think I finally discovered what it takes to make myself happy. I cried a lot this year, laughed a lot, wrote a lot, exercised a lot, and I began to accept myself for who I am.

I really came to terms with my hair loss this year.  I began experimenting with going out without wigs and hats. I do think I need a tee-shirt that says: I don't have Cancer, It's Alopecia, overall people have been really nice and just ask questions about why I'm bald.  I like the way I look bald, and besides being cold in the winter and having to wear more suntan lotion on my head it doesn't really bother me.  At some point, I'd love to give up my wigs all together, but I'm not sure if my work environment is ready for that quite yet!

I lost almost 60 pounds!!!  I turned my life around, completely changing my lifestyle and began setting a good example for my kids.  I exercise almost every day, and we eat a lot healthier and a lot less than we used to.  This was definitely one of my biggest accomplishments this year!

I really began to write again, and I realized that writing is a huge part of my life.  I hadn't been writing, almost since college, and something was missing.  As a writer, I have this need to put my ideas and stories on paper.  Since I've been writing every day, I feel like I have accomplished so much.  My goal next year is to finish my novel (over halfway done now) and to produce some short stories and try to get them published. 

I'm excited to see what next year holds!!! 

 Bring on 2013!!!!

Time Marches On

Time Marches On

I'm having a hard time believing that we're ending 2012 so soon.  There are officially only 24 days left of this year.  At times, it has seemed to fly by, and at other times it has dragged on and on, but the last few months have passed so quickly it seems unreal. 

The thing about time is you can never stop it to hold onto what you have at that very moment.  Everything changes.  Last night, as I was driving home in the car I glanced back at my 4 year old son and my 8 year old son, and in my mind I thought, "I want them to stay this way forever."  I thought about Number One at 4 years old, and I had a hard time picturing his face each year afterwards.  The years drift by, the children grow up.  It all goes so quickly. 

This year was good and bad for me, as most years are for everyone.  I really struggled with Hubby hurting his leg.  I struggled with my own demons too for most of the year, and I finally feel settled, happy even.  I made many of my goals.  I changed my whole life for the better, by losing weight and exercising.  I finally began to accept that I will probably be bald for the rest of my life.  (Except for some reason, I have not accepted that I will not have eyebrows). 

Hubby and I finally got the house cleaned (literally--and mostly due to his efforts I must say!).  We also finally posted rules for the kids, and became more consistent in our disciplining of them. 

I have goals for next year too, but I know as soon as I blink an eye tax season will be here, and then Halloween and then Christmas 2013, and we will be turning the calendars to 2014 before I know it.  Be thankful for what you have and appreciate each and every day, because time moves so fast.

Finally Friday

The title says it all.  This week has been super busy.  Fun, but super busy.  I am really ready for it to be Suddenly Sunday afternoon.  I'm ready for all of the "events" to end and to get on with my normal life. 
Overbooked is the word of the week.

On Tuesday night, Hubby and I went to a Cake concert. I used to listen to Cake in high school and then later on in college too.  I love their song, Short Skirt/Long Jacket.  They gave away a peach tree, and we were vying for it, but unfortunately didn't see the peaches until after some guy named Russell pointed out they were there!  He won the tree, needless to say.  Hubby and I had one drink.  His Achilles tendon was knocked into several times.  He wasn't the only one with crutches, and we met some fellow parents sitting right next to us, enjoying their wedding anniversary.  Overall, it was an enjoyable night.

Here's a photo of Cake.  Hubby took this when the mass onslaught of people rushed up to the stage during the Encore.  The rest of the time the MPAC (Montgomery Performing Arts Center) security reined down on people like Nazis, threatening to kick them out for taking photos and for dancing in the aisles.  Dancing in the aisles is a fire hazard, you know?

He still sang as well as he did in the 90s.  I've seen some older musicians before, and honestly, sometimes they are not nearly as good as they used to be.  Not the case with Cake.  And, we were happy Montgomery finally has some good live musicians coming.  This has been a long time coming.

On Wednesday, we had more of a down day.  I was so tired from the concert the night before.  We came home to celebrate Son Number Two's birthday.  He had a great time, and he loved his cake.  Not Cake the band, just plain chocolate cake with butter cream icing.  Oh, and Cake the band derived their name from "caked on" not from cake the food (Just a little tidbit of trivia for you!).

Here's a little video of the kids on Son Number Two's birthday.  Darling Daughter was singing his birthday song to him.  I thought it was so sweet.  Her vocabulary is starting to explode, thanks to the fact she can finally hear after receiving tubes (long overdo in my opinion!).

Yesterday I went to work, and I thought I would barely make it through.  I had some projects to work on, but I have a kidney stone right now trying to work it's way out of my body and it is never pleasant.  I was in a lot of pain yesterday afternoon, but I think I finally passed the darn thing.  I love genetics!  I always end up having the strangest ailments. 

After work, we had awards for taekwondo (TKD).  I earned my third level green belt.  I'm so excited.  I'm making progress.  My goal is to, eventually, earn my black belt.  I was excited to see all my TKD buddies move up in rank.  We also had several students earn their black belts last night, including some Junior students, and their parents made great speeches about them, which was so inspirational. 

Afterwards, the fun night continued at Jalapenos for some Mexican food and fun.  I spoke Spanish to the waiters, and they loved it.  I've been trying to dig my Spanish out of the recessed of my brain recently.  I find I can understand almost anything people speak to me, but speaking back is harder (and we all know in English I don't have a problem with that!).

With TKD testing and Awards, TKD has been closed and my exercise has gone down to non-existent.  Hubby emphasizes the fact I danced on Tuesday night!  Not the same.  I'm excited to get back in my TKD groove on Saturday.  I need the exercise, as I feel it helps me with the little stresses of the day.  I also think it helps me feel less tired normally.  I don't have a whole lot of natural energy, because a) I have three little kids, b) I have a jam packed schedule, and c) I don't always sleep a ton!  I feel TKD helps with that.

This weekend, the activities continue.  I think on Sunday, I will just fall into bed and be so glad the week is over and look back and wonder how we ever made it through!

Cross One Off My List

This year, I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I guess, one never stops searching for their greater purpose.  My greater purpose is not copying a bunch of papers and preparing board books and sitting in meetings.  The job works for now, but I want more.  I want to be able to go to my job and feel fulfilled and happy when I come home. 

Well, I had a short list of jobs I thought I might possibly like to do.  At the top of this list was of course WRITING, but everyone knows you can't make money writing. Here's the rest of the list: teaching, veterinary medicine, working for a non-profit, lactation consultant, and nursing. 

I'm really too old to go back to school for medicine, so "doctor" didn't come up on my list.  There's no way I would want to spend the next four to eight years in school again, especially with three little ones. 

Well, this week I decided nursing is not for me either.  I don't know why I have such a hard time taking care of other people.  I guess I'm just too selfish.  Hubby has been a GREAT patient, except when he won't listen to me.  Oh, so maybe, not such a great patient.  He has been good about asking me to bring him food and water and other kitchen-related items while I'm in the kitchen.  He won't sit still though.  I attribute this to the fact that he is a natural mover and shaker, and he's trying to quit smoking.  Both making sitting still rather tedious. 

Maybe I'd make a better nurse if I was only nursing people and not responsible for the kids, my job, and cleaning the house.  My house is going to hell in a hand basket.  I need to clean.  The upstairs looks like a tornado went through.  Number One's room is so messy.  He won't ever clean it.  I have about 47 loads of laundry to do.  I need to vacuum.  I need to sweep and mop.  So far, the kitchen has been cleaned every night since Hubby's accident, but not much else. 

Anyway, I'm crossing nursing off the list.  It is not my forte.  Teaching--who knows?  I've been to Elementary School a lot lately, and I know teaching elementary school is not for me.  I've often thought being a high school English teacher would be fun, but I don't know if I could deal with attitude from the kids. 

Lactation Consulting pretty much requires a nursing degree.  You have to have 1000 clinical hours before you can practice, and our market already has a lot of lactation consultants.  When Darling Daughter was born, the LC who came to see me told me only 20% of people leaving the hospital in our town actually nurse.  This percentage astounded me, knowing the benefits of breastfeeding.

Who knows about veterinary medicine.  I still have nightmares about the crazy cat I dipped once...

And non-profits don't pay much...
Still searching.

Saturday Ramblings

This week has been so hard, but I'm not going into all the gory details.  Yesterday, Hubby had his surgery.  He has a long, recovery road before him.  He'll be in a cast, then rehab.  Our whole family dynamics will/are changing.  He usually cooks, but he won't be able to as much. 

I'll take the kids grocery shopping tomorrow, his usual activity.  I'm not bothered by this change in our routine, as long as I can keep up my exercise regiment.  I realize I'll have to scale down a bit, because of timing, and Hubby really can't care for Darling Daughter at all, but I still have to go.  I literally HAVE to go for my sanity.  I have found this great outlet, and I'm not giving it up. 

I lost three more pounds this week.  I was amazed when I stepped on the scales this morning.  Sometimes, the weight doesn't come off and then in one day I'll be down two or three pounds.  I haven't been hungry lately, because of the overwhelming stressors in my life, so I know my lack of appetite has contributed to this week's weight loss. 

I pulled on a pair of pants I haven't worn since 2006 today.  I was amazed they fit me, and they're not even tight.  Progress, I'm telling you, progress!

Goal Update: March 20, 2012

I woke up super early this morning.  I lay in bed thinking of 5000 thoughts, as I always do when I have insomnia.

I thought of work yesterday, Taekwondo, friends, family, problems.  I thought of how Darling Daughter looked so cute in her little leotard and how proud I was of how she decided to stop clinging to me and stepped off onto the floor yesterday.  She found herself bouncing along on the trampoline, then she did the balance beam, and jumped off the mats.  Then all of a sudden, she was having a good time.  Just like that.  A snap of the fingers, and her mood changed.  I was more surprised than anyone else there, after she clung to my arms for the last four weeks!

My little princess in her new leotard!

I thought about good things and bad things.  I thought of problems I need to deal with.  I thought about how I signed up for Pinterest, but I don't really have time to search the net and pin things to an imaginary board.  I thought about how funny our world has become, obsessed with computer and technology.  I'm one of those people, so no judgement. 

Then I decided to wake up, step out of bed, have a cup of coffee and write. 

My weight loss and exercise goals are going splendidly.  I'm a little obsessed.  Ok, really I'm a lot obsessed.  I feel the need to go to Taekwondo at least five times a week.  I NEED to go.  I physically feel so much better when I have had my afternoon workout.  The exercise balances me out.  I enjoy the atmosphere too, usually, and the people who go so that makes it more worthwhile.  My weight stayed the same this week.  A few things happened.  I completely lost my appetite, and several days MyFitnessPal told me I wasn't eating enough calories.  Sometimes, I just don't have time to eat dinner.  I'll be at gymnastics with one of the kids, drop him/her off with Rob, and keep going.  I don't want to stuff a sandwich down my throat before working out for an hour, and afterwards it's usually 8:30 or 8:45, and who wants to eat that late?  Anyway, it's harder to lose weight when your body goes in starvation mood, so I started making a concerted effort to actually eat. 

Then on Saturday, we had a BBQ.  Or, um, a grill out.  Whatever the heck it is called!  I drank A LOT, and I ate potato salad A LOT and cole slaw A LOT.  Oh, and I had one piece of key lime pie.  YUMMY!!!  One day won't kill you, but the next day I had a piece of chocolate mousse pie.  I then took that to my co-workers so they could indulge and make their thighs bigger, instead of me making mine bigger!!!

So anyway, after a weekend of eating and drinking A LOT, I jumped back on the wagon yesterday.  So all this to say, no weight loss this weekend.  I maintained.

As far as tennis goes, Hubby and I are still playing.  We played once last week on Tuesday.  When we were done I was pouring sweat.  I don't know how we're going to play as it gets hotter and hotter.  I will have to bring a lot of deodorant, and probably leave my hair off for an hour or so afterwards.  That's the nice thing about not having hair.  It can't get sweaty if you don't let it.  I'm really dreading the 120 degree summer heat we have coming to us.  Since it is almost 90 degrees in March, I know we must be in for it this summer!

Marriage is constantly on my list of goals.  I had some good and some not-so-good memories of Hubby's and my past this week.  We had our anniversary of meeting.  We mention it every year.  I guess getting past the hump of ten years was a huge accomplishment.  Marriage is so hard though.  Communication and trust are key players, and when they are missing it can make everything seem so much worse than it really is.  I read a little bit about companionate love this week.  I thought about companionate love in relationships versus romantic love, limerent love, infatuation and passion.  I tried to think about these concepts of love in my relationship with Hubby.  I keep telling myself it takes two people to tango, and when one is all in and the other isn't then it's not going to work.  I know this is vague, but I'm not willing to go into details on here.  So let's just leave it at the fact that I need to put myself more "in" to help fix the problems that have cropped up over the last eleven years.

Writing has become sort of natural to me.  I write every day now.  I sit down and work on my story for a few minutes each day.  Some days I make a ton of progress, but other days it is slow going.  I just go with the flow.  Some days I wonder where my characters are going, and what they are thinking.  It's interesting though, because it's almost like they begin to take on personalities of their own.  I know what they would and wouldn't do.  I know how they will treat each other, and how they will react to certain situations.  Character development is almost like familiarizing yourself with a newborn baby, and slowly watching this/her personality develop.  I love it, and it is a wonderful outlet for me.  I have not submitted anything yet, because I just don't think I'm ready.  I'm getting there though.

Saint Patrick's Day Memory

Eleven years ago today, I met him.  My perception of reality, which may or may not be true, was that I had been visiting my sister in Massachusetts.  I came home.  A guy I worked with in the library called my cellphone (yes, I had just bought a little blue AT&T cellphone—it was horrid!), and he invited me to a kegger.

I had a lot on my mind.  I was done with Wish He Was My Boyfriend.  I was moving on with my life.  I needed a change. I thought going to a party with some people I didn’t know might be the way to achieve that change.

I asked my roommate Tiffany to accompany me, but she was tired or maybe she had other plans.  I called a few of my other friends, and they all declined.  I hemmed and hawed.  I didn’t want to be stuck in the house all night, thinking and analyzing my life.  I wanted to leave, to party, even if it meant going out by myself. 

I hopped in my car, the 2000 Toyota Camry, and drove the few blocks to the house where the party was being held.  I believe he lived on 42^nd Street in one of the townhouse apartments.  Walking in, a long dark staircase led up the stairs to the party apartment.  I could hear the noise on the 2^nd floor, drunken laughs and boys guffawing.  I built up the courage of one single girl going to a party where she only really knew one person, and was semi-acquainted with the other, and I walked up that long staircase, knocked on the door and was let in by unidentified boy.

There were only boys at the apartment, so you can imagine their thrill to see a girl show up.  Their entertainment had arrived.  They told me the keg was out back.  I could get a drink, and I immediately did to “chill” my nerves.  Some of the boys assured me that “Rob” (whoever that was) had left to pick up his friends, including a few other girls.  I made my way out to the back porch, (also known as Rob’s bedroom!) down some rickety white steps to the backyard and somebody helped me fill up my red Solo plastic cup with beer. 

When I walked back in, I found Sid my friend from the library had arrived.  We talked for a bit, and then I sat down on the loveseat in the main den, unsure of what to do with myself.  From there guy after guy came, sat down beside me and talked to me for a while before moving on.  It was like being in a speed dating round with alcohol. 

Before too long, a drunken boy came in with another guy and a girl!  Imagine my surprise.  He stumbled over to the loveseat and introduced himself to me as Rob.  He was obviously drunk.  He had brown fuzzy hair, and he smiled at me a lot.  We discussed writing and music.  He told me he really liked writing poetry.  It served as an outlet to him.  I also think this is where the nagging began, because I told him he shouldn’t drink and drive.  He never has since—or that I know of.  Soon, we needed another beer, so we walked out to the backyard and sat on the cinder block wall drinking from our Solo cups.  We looked up at the sky and stared at the stars together. 

When it was time to go, Rob walked me out.  He saw my car, and he said “Ooh—I’d like to drive that one day.”  I was still unsure of him.  I said, “Um, yeah, maybe.”  I think we kissed, and it was a drunk sloppy kiss.  We exchanged phone numbers, and I left.

I remember arriving home at the house on Albemarle.  Tiffany was there.  She asked how the party was.  I told her I met someone, and she asked if I thought I’d date him.  My reply was, “I don’t know.  He’s nice.”  

The next day I had to work at the library.  I really didn’t expect to hear from Rob for three days, as boys seem to have this requisite amount of time to wait so they don’t seem too eager.  In the afternoon, around 3:00 PM I received a phone call from Rob. He asked if I wanted to come over and watch the Simpsons. I declined because of working.  I remember telling Tiffany I couldn’t believe he had called so soon.  I didn’t know what to do with a boy who wanted to be with me after playing on and off games with Wish He Was My Boyfriend for two years and not letting anyone else serious into my life.

Tiffany said, “What’s the harm in hanging out with him?”  They were all pleased I’d be letting go of my obsession with Wish He Was My Boyfriend.

And so I thought, what’s the harm?  That evening I went to work and about an hour into my shift Rob showed up at the library with toys for me: a rubber ball and bubbles. 

He said, “I brought you some toys.”

“Um thanks.”  Yes, Lauren was not so good at this relationship crap, even though I’d been in a few serious relationships beforehand.

From then on, I pretty much saw Rob every day.  I didn’t really ever decide to see him. He was just there, and he grew on me.  I was happy to be with someone who really wanted to be with me and who showed me that he did.  I was happy to meet his friends and to feel joy in my heart when he walked in the room.  I remember telling Tiffany about Rob’s eyes, and how they were green with specks.  I remember thinking I liked him a lot, but still holding back.  I wasn’t quite over Wish He Was My Boyfriend.  I *maybe* told Rob this, but I’m not sure he heard me.  He was head over heels in love with me, and we all know what that feels like.  Then a part of me decided the relationship worked, and I was so glad to have someone to journey out of college with, to help me discover what I wanted to do with my life, to laugh at my jokes, to make me smile after a long day at a job I didn’t necessarily like or want.  We were there for each other.

It’s been exactly eleven years since the Saint Patrick’s Day, and life has taken off.  Rob and I have been through a lot of tough times together.  We have survived our marriage thus far, not necessarily enjoyed it all, but we’ve supported each other through the tough times, even with arguments, silent days, passive aggressive behavior, withdrawing completely from one another and finally reaching out and trying to find each other again.  Searching for our twenty-one year old selves in each other’s hearts to see what brought us together in the first place: love and companionship.

Setback

I was going to sit down and type out a Wayback Wednesday post. I had the topic all picked out. I had even jotted down a few memories. I had asked Hubby about it, jogging my memory of our past together. Then I didn't feel inspired. I didn't feel like writing it today. I wanted to write something else, but no words would come. I sat staring at the screen wondering when this became my life. Wondering when everything started changing.


I wondered if change is good? Does thinking and analyzing just make situations worse? I've dealt with so much crap this year. I lost all my hair. I woke up one morning with the realization that no amount of pretending would make it come back. My hair was gone. I was completely bald. I realized this was just one of those things I'd have to deal with. I went with the flow. I went with my Mom to have a wig made, and when I tried it on I wanted to cry. I HATED the way it looked on me.  I did not look like ME. It made me wonder if I FELT like me. I think it must have been post-traumatic stress. I went from having a head full of hair with small spots to having no hair at all. Losing my hair seemed like such a trivial thing to be upset about. I mean, people all over the world were dying of diseases and starving to death, and I'm acting all upset because my hair fell out! These are conflicting emotions I still feel today.


Losing my hair also inspired me to make something more of myself. I began looking at the aspects of my life where changes needed to be made. I realized I needed to lose weight and exercise. I wanted to become healthy for my kids. I wanted to become healthier for me. I started building up my confidence in my appearance again. I began going places bald, and I felt pretty darn good about the way I looked (still do). I realized real friends and people don't judge you on your appearance, despite how much it may seem so.


I also found myself again, buried under all the baggage, bad words, and garbage I (or we) had put in the way. I don't want this to change. I like who I have become this year. I love writing. I like taking taekwondo. I love the friendships I have forged. I feel genuinely happy with MYSELF, but there are parts of my life which make me want to SCREAM! They make me want to ask, "Where do I go from here? Where do WE go from here?" There is no easy answer.

It’s just a setback…

Goal Update: March 6, 2012

I woke up before my alarm this morning.  I lay in bed for a few minutes listening to Hubby, Son # 1 and Son # 2 breath. The bed was full of the men in my life.  Son # 2 made progress this week, sleeping in his bed, and then reverted back to sleeping in ours again. I wonder if there will ever be a day when it will be just Hubby and me in bed?

I didn't really think about my goals this morning.  I thought about how I had a restless night of sleep, and how I'm overbooked for the day.  I thought about writing, exercising, losing weight, and friends.  My mind wandered in a thousand different directions, as it does when I have too much time on my hands.  Finally, I decided to step out of bed to a hot cup of coffee.  Ritz, my cat, was scratching on the door and needed to be let into the garage. The rest of the house is quiet now and hopefully will remain this way for at least thirty minutes.

My goals were semi-achieved this week.  I'm not sure I lost a pound.  I stepped on the scales last night (I usually weigh in the morning), and the scales seemed lower but I need to verify this morning.  I've been annoyed, because the scales are no longer my friend.  Miranda Grace and Hubby tell me I need to chill.  I'm eating right, and I'm exercising and the scales will eventually move down.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I can tell I'm still losing but I like the tangible, the visual affirmation.  We'll see how it goes this week. I'm not discouraged, because I can tell I'm making real progress.  As far as exercising, I'm a lot stronger.  I did 35 leg throws like they were nothing the other day. 

Writing: I wrote every day this week. I worked hard on my novel at the beginning of the week, and I drifted off at the end when things became crazy and chaotic as my life always does.  Still, every single day I managed to blog or to work on my writing.  Now, I need to search for some freelance jobs, or find a way to get published.  Yes, easier said than done.  I want something concrete in my life.  I want to be able to show the world what I can do.  Creating as a writer has value as long as someone can enjoy what you've created.  I do believe that's true. 

Spending more time with Hubby: This week was hard.  We did not spend much time together.  My marriage is lacking in this department.  I had a girl's night out, and rushed around all weekend.  We made time in the middle of the week for a tennis date (see next goal), and that was a lot of fun.  On Fridays, we have our marriage conference each week and this usually turns into a conversation lasting two hours or so.  We have fun talking and laughing during this time, but I'm consciously aware we need to be spending more time together during the week.  Everything always seems to get in the way.

Tennis: Hubby beat me, 6-2.  Honestly, I expected it.  We're playing again today and on Thursday.  I was mad when he beat me.  I cuss at myself when I'm losing at tennis.  I used to be so good, so after a seven year break, it ticks me off that I can barely hit a forehand (somehow my backhand survived, but because Hubby knows it he won't play to my backhand!).  Oh well, practice makes perfect (cliche!).

I know this post has been completely disjointed, and I've rambled on and on.  It's 5:43 AM, and I really didn't have much sleep.  That thinking problem--more on that later.

Goals this week are the same as last week's.

Happiness/Bliss/Introspection

I’m reading a memoir by Mary Ward Brown called “Fanning the Spark.”  It is a concise account of her life, up to 2009.  She is 95 years old now, and my parents went to visit her a few weekends ago.  She struggled with anxiety and panic attacks when she was young.  She seems to be a searcher, like me.  Perhaps all writers are searchers.  I’ve been thinking a lot about this comment in her book:

Within the family, I’d been thinking, “Why don’t you understand me and make me happy?”When I tried to think, “Why don’t I understand you and make you happy?” the dynamics changed.  An about-face was required of me, toward anyone, everyone, anywhere.

I’ve had an about-face lately.  I had been thinking like Mary Ward Brown had before she transformed her life.  I had been wondering why everyone didn’t make me happy: my husband, my children, my Mom and Dad, my friends.  I realized that I had been transferring my pain onto them.  I stopped, and I really looked at myself and my life and I did not like who I had become: bitter, sarcastic, unaffectionate, demanding, and caustic.

I realized, similar to Mary Ward Brown’s thought process, but also a little bit different: I need to make myself happy in order to make other people in my life feel happy with me.  I can make myself feel happier by being a better parent, by making my kids laugh and smile, feeling rewarded by simply leading them in their lives. My marriage can be a better one if I act out of love and kindness, instead of hate and malevolence.  I get so caught up in my selfish wants sometimes, and I forget about other peoples’ feelings.  I want to be a better wife, mother and friend to those who know me. 

I’ve realized the importance of every single person in my life: past or present.  I’ve been striving to try to make other people happy/proud/content in order to make myself more fulfilled.  This act is hard for me, as I tend to look out for my own interests as most people do.  I tend to cling to people and memories that keep me locked in the past, unhappily ever after.  I’m learning how to let go.  I’m learning in order to feel whole I need to stop blaming others, and I need to start trusting and loving again.  There is a power to forgiveness: the ability to move on and not be trapped in a world of hatred.      

When my parents went to visit Mary Ward Brown, she inscribed a book to me and wrote, “Follow your bliss” (as previously written by Joseph Campbell).  Last year, I was caught up in being so unhappy with my life that I simply couldn’t see my bliss.  Now I’ve found it in writing, in taking care of myself, in enjoying my husband and my children.  I know how to make myself happy and from here I have to strive to achieve my “bliss” each and every day.  I’ve realized the importance of following my dreams, doing what makes me happy.  When you do what makes you happy, you are able to give that happiness to others, and transform your life into something better, something higher, giving it a purpose.  Purpose is so important, and without purpose we are lost.