Elusive Sleep

3:30 AM.  I was staring at the ceiling, noticing that we don't have cracks, and listening to the soft breathing of Darling Daughter next to me as she slept soundly.  She sleeps soundly whenever she has her security blanket with her: ME. 

I hate waking up at 3:30 and wanting to go back to sleep.  I think the more you wish sleep would come, the more it eludes you.  Your brain starts to wander, and then suddenly you are the Queen of Egypt and it's 600 B.C.  When I was little, I thought creating stories in my head would help me fall asleep, but now it makes my mind WIDE awake.  My brain is ready for more, ready to be creative, spill the words out, and suddenly I am more awake than ever, and I'm still staring at the ceiling but now the clock says 3:33. 

Things that don't work when you have insomnia:

• Counting Sheep: Why would you want to do this anyway?

• Coming Up with Crazy Stories or Alternate Realities in Your Head:  This passes the time, but won't help you get shut eye.  This may help you come up with a wonderful idea for a novel, which may one day be published if you're lucky and/or rich or both.  Everyone can dream right?  Even when you are staring at the ceiling wide awake.

• Drink Warm Milk:  One word: GROSS!!!

To be fair to you all, my audience of 20 people, I don't fight insomnia much these days.  I usually fall off to sleep, and I awake about ten minutes before my alarm.  I think this has to do with my biological clock.  If you go to bed around the same time and wake up around the same time every day, your body sort of regulates itself. 

Yesterday was emotional though and having an emotional day makes you do one of two things: sleep TOO MUCH or sleep NOT ENOUGH.  My body chose NOT ENOUGH last night.  I cried yesterday and then I laughed.  I laughed and laughed and laughed, which was a nice diversion from the crying.  Laughing is a great defense mechanism when emotions are too hard to handle.   

My goal this year was to laugh more, and I think I may have accomplished that in one day.  At 3:30 in the morning, I should have just stepped out of bed and left Darling Daughter Vampire Chicken Princess snoozing soundly, hopped on the computer and started writing.  I could have used the extra time to my advantage.  Instead I reflected on the funeral yesterday. I thought about my friend who lost her mother and how I could help her.  I thought about the color PURPLE.  I didn't come up with any good story lines, plots or climaxes, and I didn't continue to revise my book despite the need.  Part of the reason is my free trial to Word expired, and since I'm a procrastinator I haven't yet downloaded the $9 version my work offers.  I need to get on that, like today.  It's not like I own a typewriter or some other mechanism that could help me set words down on paper: like a pencil and a piece of paper. 

Hopefully if I'm awake at 3:30 tomorrow morning, Word will be installed on my computer, and my brain can relax as I revise, revise, revise.  Or maybe I can work on my 2nd novel, which is a great diversion from revising my first novel. 

Earthquakes

I'm listening to "Little Earthquakes" right now, and it seems appropriate to my life.  Tori Amos sings, Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces. My life, this week, has been a series of little earthquakes.  I'm honestly afraid to leave the house today.

The title of my life this week could be, "Things Fall Apart."  (Great book, by the way, by Chinua Achebe). Or maybe Hubby and I stuck somewhere in the book, "A Series of Unfortunate Events."  Apparently, my life could fit into any number of titles.

First, I hit a dog.  Then Hubby ruptures his tendon.  We have (had?) plans this weekend too.  I have plans Friday night with friends, and then Hubby and I were (are?) to attend a wedding downtown, and have a night out on the town.  Now, I will need to be his shoulder to lean on.  I am not good at being the shoulder.  I'm not a particularly good caretaker.  I could never be a nurse.  I don't know what is expected of me.  I'm trying though.

Last night, by the time I arrived home, Hubby had hopped around making himself dinner and was sitting on the couch exhibiting extremely little pain.  I offered to pour him a glass of water, get him anything he needed, and he refused.  Maybe I'm a bad caretaker because he's a bad patient.  He wants to constantly do for other people and himself, and he sometimes can't accept help.

I'm just waiting for the next shoe to fall.  We seem to be in a downward spiral.  I'm almost afraid to leave my house today.

Hubby slipped into bed last night.  Neither one of us could sleep.  I had a lot on my mind, and he was in major pain.  He whispered, "I swear, we have the worse luck.  I feel cursed or something."

I feel bad for him.  He was putting himself out there.  He is so introverted, and it takes a lot for him to take that step into friendship.  He had just found this group of soccer guys and was getting to know them, and WHAM!: he's injured for three months. 

I don't believe in luck though.  I believe some things happen for a reason.  I believe other things are spontaneous, just like a dog walking straight into the right tire of your car and slipping under...

Thinking vs. Analyzing (or Plugged In)

Plugged In

Hubby and I always joke around and say I have a thinking problem.  This thinking problem contributes to my depression.  Well, the other day he sent me this article on texting. 

The article was interesting and informative.  Guess what? This article made me think.  This article actually made me think about my thinking problem.  From reading this article, I realized that I have an analyzing problem, not really a true thinking problem.  If I was just thinking and creating new ideas, this would enhance my creativity and most likely improve my happiness.  But, no, I’m thinking about and analyzing the past, the present and the future—thus making myself unhappy.  I’m doing this, because I rarely have any idle time or time to myself.  I fill up my brain with television, books, texting, Words with Friends, and I fill up my time with kids, friends, exercise, eating, and working.  I rarely have idle time to stop and think.   

According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, think literally means “to form or to have in the mind.” Analyze means, “to study or determine the nature and relationship of the parts of, by analysis.”  When I’m with my friends I’m always analyzing situations, politics, religion, you name it.  When I’m with my kids and my husband I’m reacting to circumstances, analyzing what is said and done, and acting or reacting from that analysis. 

Writing allows me to analyze certain paths in my life I took, or explore a situation in which I wasn’t happy with the outcome.  I do think when I’m writing, creative thoughts, but my ideas almost always are oriented in some aspect from my past or present that I’m trying to work through.  Thus, writing for me is a release, a way to completely analyze a situation and come to terms with the outcome or possible outcome. 

The only time I truly think is when I lie in bed at night, waiting for sleep to take over my brain.  I have sudden interesting thoughts about blog writing, I create new ideas in my head, and I don’t usually analyze the ideas to bits and pieces.  I love this idle alone time at night, although sometimes it does hinder my sleep. 

Our world has been taken over by technology in the last ten years.  Heck, in 2000 I had just bought my first cell phone, and now everyone has one.  Everyone has a computer and an ipad.  We find more and more ways to connect to each other without really connecting.  We our isolating ourselves, but feeling more connected in certain ways.  By texting, we can be in touch easily without the necessity to pick up the phone and hear another person’s voice.  This, however, doesn’t normally allow us to express sarcasm or have a deep conversation with another person.  And with the advent of texting, face to face communication has faltered.  Have you ever had a friend who you can text with easily but not talk to face to face?  I believe this is because of the lack of “thinking” involved in texting. 

I, like everyone else, see the value in texting but I also see the downside of using it as your main mode of conversation.  I see the downside in that it limits people’s downtime, affects creative output, productivity, and even draws people away from family time. 

I think it’s important to have some down time when you’re unplugged from the computer and the cell phone.  Set a limit by saying, “I’ll turn off my phone for this one hour period every day,” in order to have idle time or to spend time with my family.  Think, don’t analyze everything!