Elusive Sleep

3:30 AM.  I was staring at the ceiling, noticing that we don't have cracks, and listening to the soft breathing of Darling Daughter next to me as she slept soundly.  She sleeps soundly whenever she has her security blanket with her: ME. 

I hate waking up at 3:30 and wanting to go back to sleep.  I think the more you wish sleep would come, the more it eludes you.  Your brain starts to wander, and then suddenly you are the Queen of Egypt and it's 600 B.C.  When I was little, I thought creating stories in my head would help me fall asleep, but now it makes my mind WIDE awake.  My brain is ready for more, ready to be creative, spill the words out, and suddenly I am more awake than ever, and I'm still staring at the ceiling but now the clock says 3:33. 

Things that don't work when you have insomnia:

• Counting Sheep: Why would you want to do this anyway?

• Coming Up with Crazy Stories or Alternate Realities in Your Head:  This passes the time, but won't help you get shut eye.  This may help you come up with a wonderful idea for a novel, which may one day be published if you're lucky and/or rich or both.  Everyone can dream right?  Even when you are staring at the ceiling wide awake.

• Drink Warm Milk:  One word: GROSS!!!

To be fair to you all, my audience of 20 people, I don't fight insomnia much these days.  I usually fall off to sleep, and I awake about ten minutes before my alarm.  I think this has to do with my biological clock.  If you go to bed around the same time and wake up around the same time every day, your body sort of regulates itself. 

Yesterday was emotional though and having an emotional day makes you do one of two things: sleep TOO MUCH or sleep NOT ENOUGH.  My body chose NOT ENOUGH last night.  I cried yesterday and then I laughed.  I laughed and laughed and laughed, which was a nice diversion from the crying.  Laughing is a great defense mechanism when emotions are too hard to handle.   

My goal this year was to laugh more, and I think I may have accomplished that in one day.  At 3:30 in the morning, I should have just stepped out of bed and left Darling Daughter Vampire Chicken Princess snoozing soundly, hopped on the computer and started writing.  I could have used the extra time to my advantage.  Instead I reflected on the funeral yesterday. I thought about my friend who lost her mother and how I could help her.  I thought about the color PURPLE.  I didn't come up with any good story lines, plots or climaxes, and I didn't continue to revise my book despite the need.  Part of the reason is my free trial to Word expired, and since I'm a procrastinator I haven't yet downloaded the $9 version my work offers.  I need to get on that, like today.  It's not like I own a typewriter or some other mechanism that could help me set words down on paper: like a pencil and a piece of paper. 

Hopefully if I'm awake at 3:30 tomorrow morning, Word will be installed on my computer, and my brain can relax as I revise, revise, revise.  Or maybe I can work on my 2nd novel, which is a great diversion from revising my first novel. 

Live Life and Laugh

I was bad yesterday.  My sister texted me around 8:30 PM and said, "Where's your food journal?"  I texted back, "I'd rather not list it." 

After five days at home with the kids by myself, the last thing in the world I wanted to do last night was make dinner.  It took me nearly an hour to pick up two of the kids and make it to my Mom's house where Number One was waiting.  Then, Number One wanted to bring a petrified lizard into the car, and so that was another battle.  There was no gas.  I needed to go to Costco.  I drove to Costco and then we went to Ixtapa.  I had already decided at 5:15, on the way to get Number Two I needed some cheese.  There's nothing better than comfort food. 

I'm thinking a chicken and cheese quesadilla probably has about 1,000 to 1,500 calories.  I ate the whole thing.  So, no, I didn't log it.  I'll do better today, even though I'm going out to eat for a friend's birthday lunch.  I'll have to make better choices.  Sometimes it's okay to splurge, and last night was one of those nights.

On the way home, the boys would not stop saying, "Stupid butt," and giggling like it was the funniest thing in the world.  I told them not to say, "Stupid butt," which just brought on more giggling.  They giggled themselves into bed, and they giggled and laughed and mimicked me while I read them their bedtime stories, and they giggled when I sang, "You Are My Sunshine," and when I got onto them for being loud.  Then Number Two started crying and Number One said he didn't want Number Two to sleep with him, and they fell asleep, chests rising, tears fresh on their eyelashes, exhausted from all that giggling. 

The giggling reminded me of a time when I was little and my Mom and I went down to Sebastian, Florida to visit her family. For some reason, I think it was just she and me, but my cousins were all there.  We were exhausted when we arrived, and we went into the basement and pulled out the foutons and lied down, and I couldn't stop thinking of funny things to say.

I said, "Goodnight John-boy!"

My Mom giggled, and I fell into a fit of laughter and she said, "We're slap happy from being so tired." 

And I curled up next to her and I went to sleep, exhausted from the thrill of just being alive.