Elusive Sleep

3:30 AM.  I was staring at the ceiling, noticing that we don't have cracks, and listening to the soft breathing of Darling Daughter next to me as she slept soundly.  She sleeps soundly whenever she has her security blanket with her: ME. 

I hate waking up at 3:30 and wanting to go back to sleep.  I think the more you wish sleep would come, the more it eludes you.  Your brain starts to wander, and then suddenly you are the Queen of Egypt and it's 600 B.C.  When I was little, I thought creating stories in my head would help me fall asleep, but now it makes my mind WIDE awake.  My brain is ready for more, ready to be creative, spill the words out, and suddenly I am more awake than ever, and I'm still staring at the ceiling but now the clock says 3:33. 

Things that don't work when you have insomnia:

• Counting Sheep: Why would you want to do this anyway?

• Coming Up with Crazy Stories or Alternate Realities in Your Head:  This passes the time, but won't help you get shut eye.  This may help you come up with a wonderful idea for a novel, which may one day be published if you're lucky and/or rich or both.  Everyone can dream right?  Even when you are staring at the ceiling wide awake.

• Drink Warm Milk:  One word: GROSS!!!

To be fair to you all, my audience of 20 people, I don't fight insomnia much these days.  I usually fall off to sleep, and I awake about ten minutes before my alarm.  I think this has to do with my biological clock.  If you go to bed around the same time and wake up around the same time every day, your body sort of regulates itself. 

Yesterday was emotional though and having an emotional day makes you do one of two things: sleep TOO MUCH or sleep NOT ENOUGH.  My body chose NOT ENOUGH last night.  I cried yesterday and then I laughed.  I laughed and laughed and laughed, which was a nice diversion from the crying.  Laughing is a great defense mechanism when emotions are too hard to handle.   

My goal this year was to laugh more, and I think I may have accomplished that in one day.  At 3:30 in the morning, I should have just stepped out of bed and left Darling Daughter Vampire Chicken Princess snoozing soundly, hopped on the computer and started writing.  I could have used the extra time to my advantage.  Instead I reflected on the funeral yesterday. I thought about my friend who lost her mother and how I could help her.  I thought about the color PURPLE.  I didn't come up with any good story lines, plots or climaxes, and I didn't continue to revise my book despite the need.  Part of the reason is my free trial to Word expired, and since I'm a procrastinator I haven't yet downloaded the $9 version my work offers.  I need to get on that, like today.  It's not like I own a typewriter or some other mechanism that could help me set words down on paper: like a pencil and a piece of paper. 

Hopefully if I'm awake at 3:30 tomorrow morning, Word will be installed on my computer, and my brain can relax as I revise, revise, revise.  Or maybe I can work on my 2nd novel, which is a great diversion from revising my first novel. 

The Crapshoot Called Life

Today is going to be a tough day.  Sometimes something happens and you realize all at once the mantra that you're always telling your kids: Life Simply Isn't Fair.  One of my friends from Taekwondo lost her mother this week.  She is young.  She doesn't have a large family to fill in the gaps, to be there for her, to hold her and comfort her.  She received a ton of support from our Taekwondo family, and I'm so thrilled we can all be here for her.  She is a great girl, and she will go far in life with a good attitude. 

But it gets me thinking, because that's what I'm best at doing.  I have a HUGE family.  I have a HUGE support system.  When something goes wrong, there are always people around to help pick up the pieces.  I was blessed with that due to a crapshoot.  Some people aren't. 

When I was growing up, my Dad always said, "You're so lucky to be growing up in America."  He'd say this when I refused to eat my peas, implying that some starving child in Ethiopia would probably give their right arm to eat my peas, and everything else on my plate too.  I think it was a lesson to me: be happy for what you have and not for what you think you don't have.  There are so many people out there who have a lot less than I do.  They have less family members to help pick up the pieces when someone they love dies.  They have less support, less food, less money and yet sometimes these people with less make MORE of their lives. 

In times like these, I like to be thankful for what I have.  I have wonderful friends who are caring and understanding, despite my sometimes unreasonable expectations of them.  They always forgive me when I'm being selfish or stupid, or less than empathetic.  They are always there for me, and in turn I hope they feel like I'm always there for them.

I have a big family with loving parents and siblings.  Yes, sometimes we don't get along, but I know each and every one of them has my best interest at heart.  I love my siblings passionately.  I love my parents with all their unique idiosyncrasies.  I'm so thankful that I have them for support, and I only wish everyone else had the same type of familial love that I have enjoyed.  I wish everyone could feel blessed the way I do. 

Life is not fair.  We are not given the same things when we are born.  We take what we get, and we have to make the best of it.  We have to endure the hardships in order to live the joy.

Today, my goal is to be thankful for my friends and to be supportive of a young girl who, if life was fair, wouldn't be having to face the tragedy of losing a parent at such a young age.