Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Before my Dreams

As I lay in bed at night, I often pen blogs in my head, whole blogs.  I usually want to pull myself out of bed and jot down some words but I often don't.  For as long as I can remember, I have invented stories as a way to put myself to sleep.  Sometimes these are epic stories.  Just the other night, my mind created half of a novel, and I began typing away at it on Sunday. Sometimes my imagination is out of control.

Before I waited for the sweet veil of sleep to fall upon me last night I thought:

So much has happened over the last few months.  I feel more alive than I did before November.  In November, I woke up one day feeling so lost. I looked at my life, and I didn't know who I was anymore.  I didn't know what I wanted to be.  I began searching, deep within myself, to figure out what it was/is that I need/ed. I STOPPED trying to pretend I was someone I'm not.  I STOPPED worrying so much about other people's expectations.  I put one foot forward, and I took a gigantic leap by starting this blog.  I love having this outlet.

I realized so much about myself over the past few months.

1) I have to write.  I don't care if no one reads my blog, but I absolutely positively have to do this for my mental health.

2) I have to exercise.  Again, for my mental health.  Exercising makes me feel so refreshed.  I feel like a new person, and I know I am a much happier Mom and wife when I exercise.

3) I have to stop pushing away pain. I wear my emotions on my shoulders most of the time.  I, after all am an ENFP (Extrovertl, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving), but I tend to push painful experiences to the bottom of the pile.  I repress those emotions and memories that are too hard for me to deal with.  If you do this, you'll wake up one November morning and all that pain will be right there, centrally located in your heart.  You'll feel anguish at never having dealt with the past and you'll feel, unjustly, that you wish you could make it all go away.  The pain will go away once you have faced it and released it.  LET.IT.GO.  Three simple words yet so hard to do.

4) The meaning of life is within all of us.  I had a few days where I was in a deep funk (oh, ok, more like six months).  Looking back it was probably/still is depression.  But I pondered a deeper meaning of life.  I pondered the existence of God in a seemingly God-less world.  I pondered what more there could be to this existence.  I asked myself what my life meant and at first I didn't know.  But, I realized the meaning of life is within all of us.  Life is what you make of it: the happiness you bring to yourself, the laughter on your child's face, the community you surround yourself with, and the memories you leave behind.  I feel like I'm actively trying to make my life have meaning now, and I'll tell you--it's a wonderful feeling.

6) I just pulled a Mr. Jones and skipped 5!  Speaking of Mr. Jones--friends are amazing.  I am an extrovert (see # 3), and I really have to be with a solid community of friends.  I always have.  My husband and my family simply aren't enough to appease my social desires.  This year I decided that I was really going to reach out and establish a more solid network of friends.  I've succeeded in this so far.  I have made awesome, amazing, vibrant friendships this year.  I have a huge support system in my life now, and that is so important to me.  I need pretty much constant friend interaction to sustain my social life, and I have it.  It feels amazing to have people in my life who are there to back me up and who I know would do anything for me.

I also pondered these more mundane things right before I feel asleep last night:

1) What in the world did I do with the Valentine's Day list for Son #1's class and when is the $4 due?

2) Why can't I EVER win at Words with Friends.  Seriously, I hate that game so much that I love it.

3) My clothes are starting to hang off of me. YAY!!!  I'm not sure if I have money to buy new ones.

4) I hope the kids all stay in their bed tonight (they didn't!)

(You may be wondering where the normal Tuesday update is.  I'm holding it over until next week.  I was too sick to accomplish much of it last week, so the goals will just be held over to next.  Good news is: I actually did clean the other two bathrooms!  Yay!)

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