TGIF

When I was a little, I used to live for Fridays.  I loved NBC's lineup of TGIF.  Step by Step and Boy Meets World, and whatever else used to come by.  I'd sit down on the couch and decompress while watching hours of television, and probably stuffing popcorn in my face too. 

This Friday, I feel like I need a day like that.  My week has been crazy busy with lots of after-work activities.  Number Two and Darling Daughter started swimming lessons this week.  I had out of the house activities on Wednesday and Thursday nights: a dinner and then a baby shower.  And the whole work week has been a little chaotic as I settle back into my regular routine, since I finished up training another employee last week.  And this week, one of my co-workers who actually babysits for us has been struggling, because her father was hospitalized and in critical condition.  I've been worrying about her and thinking about her, and it's one of those times I wish I believed in something so I could pray for her and her father. 

I sometimes do pray, but I don't know who the prayers are offered up to, just to add my thoughts to the collective prayer.  And there is no question collective prayer works.  There have been studies on it, and people who are prayed for have a better outcome than people who aren't. 

I came home last night from the baby shower, after a long day, and my boys were on the couch.  Number One was reading the Bible to Number Two.

He came up and said, "Mommy--do you have a magnifying glass, because the words in this Bible are so small?" 

I laughed and said, "No, but you have good eyes!" 

I walked into the bathroom and Hubby followed me to ask me about my day.  I made a passing comment, "The boys are going to be so religious."

"So.  That could be a good thing, Lauren," Hubby said. 

I nodded, "Yes.  Maybe it'll give them some purpose.  Help them from being sad."

Sometimes, I feel like it would be so easy to be religious and just to BELIEVE.  I remember the wonder and joy as a child of believing in Santa Claus.  I remember going to church and BELIEVING Jesus could walk on water.  I'd love to have that belief re-instilled in me, to put aside all doubt, but my thinking mind won't let me.  My thinking mind questions why religions have to create hate, judgment and wars. My thinking mind likes the beliefs of love, society, togetherness, doing good to others, not judging others, and allowing everyone to have the same rights: happiness, marriage, children, enough food in their bellies, enough clean water to drink; without discrimination.  Human nature is to discriminate though, and I guess no matter what inequalities will never cease to exist.  We will play out the same wars over and over again, each time with new actors. 

But believing in someone who can save, and believing in someone who can take your prayers and heal, that has to be worth it to a lot of people. Having a guiding voice in your head who acts like a father figure and  you which path you should take: maybe this is the joy a lot of people receive from religion.  To me, because my brain won't stop, it's just another thing I question. 

And don't worry.  Number One is definitely being exposed to all sorts of religions.  The other day he offered up a prayer to Zeus, because he wanted the rain to stop.  That kid is currently obsessed with the Greek Gods.  Thanks Percy Jackson!

How's that for TGIF? A little too deep, I think.  Now I think I'll read a little chick lit before my day begins, and tonight I'll sit on the couch with some popcorn and a beer and catch up a little bit on House of Cards. 

Purpose Driven Happiness

Today I was thinking about happiness, or the lack thereof.  For most of our lives we’re told by our parents, our teachers, our peers, “I just want you to be happy.”  But what is real happiness?  Real happiness is a positive state of mind and the ability to gleam the good from just about any situation.

It is true that people who smile more tend to be happier than those who don’t.  You can, in essence, make yourself happy by pretending to be happy.  You know, like the old adage: fake it until you make it.  That’s pretty true about happiness…most of the time.   

But sometimes it can be hard to find happiness.  You have to want to be happy in order to be happy.  You have to strive for happiness.  So many people I know say having faith in God provides them happiness.  They put their trust in a superior being, and it lifts the unhappiness from them.  That doesn’t work for me.    

For me happiness is defined by a sum of its parts.  Way back last year or two years ago, when I started this blog I was unhappy.  I look back at that time, and I think it’s because I had no direction.  I was content in feeling “blah,” only I wasn’t really content.  I was seriously unhappy.  I had no purpose—no direction.  I was sitting around feeling intensely sad, and I wasn’t doing anything about it.  Wallowing in your sorrow will only make you more sorrowful.  It won’t help dig you out of it.

I decided, with the help of friends and family, to find a purpose.  I think a lot of people find that purpose in God, but not me.  I prefer to find a purpose in something solid, some goal I can attain, something I can strive to achieve.  For me, I found that purpose in writing.  I started writing every day.  I started making changes in my lifestyle: losing weight, exercising, writing.  All of these things, once I realized how achievable they were, seemed to give me a purpose for my existence. 

I started realizing the more I was happy, the more other people in my life were happy.  The more happiness I felt, the better off the kids.  Now, looking back, I can’t believe I spent so many years on the couch wallowing in my own misery.  I wasted a lot of time doing nothing, when I could have been doing something.  But, you know, hindsight is like foresight without a future.  There’s no point in looking back at things that cannot be changed.  There’s no point in wishing something could be that cannot be.  There’s only a point in setting a goal for the future, driving yourself with a purpose, and achieving that purpose so you can find happiness and fulfillment.  At least, that’s what works for me.    

 

 

Insomnia

It's 2:43 AM.  Where should I be?  Sleeping. 

I don't usually suffer from insomnia.  According to NIH, almost 40% of women suffer from insomnia and this tends to increase with age.  That said, I don't usually have a problem with sleep.  After my long, chaotic days I usually fall into bed and am asleep within minutes.  I tend to sleep and dream throughout the night, wake up and feel refreshed until at least 2 or 3 PM when I usually start to feel tired again. 

Tonight, I was awakened by a seven year old boy who crawled into my bed to curl up.  Hubby, so nicely, planted him back where he belonged.  Then, my three year old came down the stairs.  Instead of walking right to our room, he always stands by the stairs crying as loud as he can until someone comes to retrieve him.  I've told him several times just to come to our room.  I always worry that he will wake someone else up!  He is still snuggled in bed next to Daddy, but the pure act of getting out of bed completely woke me up and had my mind spinning.  After laying in the bed for about an hour, I just gave up and decided to blog.

My problem is that I think too much.  After Son #2 snuggled in bed with us, my mind was awake even though my body craved more sleep.  The wheels started turning.  I began to think all about what I had to do today, work issues, homework for Son #1 that did not get done last night, and started trying to solve the world's problems (and my own).  I started focusing on monumental issues in my life.  Whose mind can rest with all of that running through it?  Sometimes, I wish I could turn it off.  Still myself. Still my mind.  I've never been good at that.

In college, I took two yoga classes my senior year.  Yeah, I know, tough subject matter!  I had such a hard time with the meditation.  The professors would always say things like, "If thoughts enter your mind, just let them go.  They are like seeds in the wind."  I could never do that.  The thoughts would come, and they would balloon and sit there, and I would think about everything.  Analyze everything.  Worry about everything.  I come from a family of thinkers. 

Who knows how to fix this?  I sometimes like that I think.  I like that I look at aspects of my life and view how they will affect me.  I hate that I get caught up on the past, or caught up with things I can't change.  I think I am changing for the better now, though.  I'm realizing my faults, and I'm addressing them. 

I seek some comfort in the serenity prayer:

                                    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

                                    Courage to change the things I can,

                                    And wisdom to know the difference.

Even though I am not so religious, this prayer gives me peace.  Learning how to let go of the things you cannot change is not always easy, but it is a must in order to live life fully.  Being a control freak, this is especially hard for me.  (I come by that honestly too, thanks Mom and Dad!) 

And now with no further words of wisdom, I'm about to crawl into bed and try to close my eyes for a few more hours before another Fun Friday begins.